Passive Men & Overbearing Women

marriage

Chris and I have made no secret of our marriage struggles; we feel we are to steward that season with transparency to share hope and Jesus through it.

If you are trying to do marriage without Jesus, we are concerned. There is nothing natural about marriage – two independent, selfish people living together for fifty or so years, raising needy, dependent children amid the stress of scrapping out a life together. Its only hope is the supernatural. We shouldn’t at all be surprised by the state of marriage. Even Christian couples who take their eyes off Jesus – even briefly – can and do easily end up in a ditch. We are convinced Jesus is the ONLY hope for a healthy marriage that lasts. We don’t think it’s possible any other way.

The fact that Chris Cawthon and I are still married is the work of Jesus.

Only.

Jesus.

We’ve been married seventeen years, and we spent a year in Christian counseling (individually and as a couple). We want all marriages to win, and we’re not afraid to tell you we sucked it up real good before we discovered what God intended for us all along.

Chris emerged from the fray with a dogged fervor for the restoration of manhood – particularly in the church. So much so that he’s hosting M*A*R*C*H, a real-talk event for men only, next week (Thursday, September 10). We are both committed to facilitating honest conversation between men and women to help couples succeed in their relationships.

Let’s dive in….shall we?

Fellas, hear me……..We women want you to be men! We want you to lead. We need you to love Jesus more than you love us. And we need you to find your validation in Him. That’s a weight we cannot bear.

Duty and obligation aren’t your best looks. Neither is bully.

Jesus looks good on you.

Adventure looks good on you.

Laughter is dashing.

Leadership looks strong on you. And we need you to know, if there is a leadership vacuum in our relationship….we’ll fill it. Even though that’s not supposed to be our role. And deep down, we really don’t want to.

And if your idea of leadership focuses on the Biblical command for wives to submit more than you take seriously your mandate to serve, your definition of leadership is inaccurate. Jesus is the example. In fact, Dr. Tony Evans says, “[w]hen a husband refuses the authority of Christ and attempts to follow his own way, he forfeits any expectation of submission from his wife” (I’m still testing that against Truth, but he makes a compelling point).

We want you to be our safe place. Even though we sabotage that by hurting you. In response to being hurt by you.

We want to feel fought for.

And we care about feeling beautiful….even if we say we don’t.

We want you to regularly plan dates – arranging the sitter and making the decisions. We want you to create space and time and quiet for us to invest in our sanity and our souls. Your forethought and intentionality make us feel loved and led well.

_____________

Ladies, I love you. You’re my people. But we bear a responsibility for the state of our relationships that I don’t feel we accept. We’re pretty good at being blamers [rolling of eyes, pointing of fingers].

When we treat our men like one of our children, we are out of line.

And whether we know it or not, if our husbands “do what we tell them,” it makes us sad in the inmost closet of our hearts. Because we are standing in a role God never intended us to fill.

So if you want your man to lead, get out of his spot.

When we bark and sneer at him publicly, when we disrespect him in front of our children, or even in private, we emasculate him. There is no more grievous offense against a man.

We also dishonor the Lord with our contempt. Which puts us in a scary place before Him (Psalm 111:10).

Our guys want us to know they are often haunted by a fear of failure. And when we aren’t their biggest fans, we hurt them in a way no one else in the world has the opportunity to do. AND, we need to know they become more susceptible to the attention of someone who may cheer them on.

Victimhood doesn’t look good on us. Insolence is not in style. Chris is not driving home thinking, “Man, I hope Cookie is frazzled and tyrannical when I get there.”

Girls, I do not minimize the difficulty of raising young kiddos. I know showering is a legit struggle, but if we are not trading childcare with a friend, forking out some dollars for a sitter, or asking nearby relatives or the husband to watch the children so we can recharge, we don’t get to complain. In fact, we are often given to a martyr-complex, and we need to knock it off.

You are a woman before you are a wife or a mother. Your identity isn’t in either of those roles. Your identity is only secure in Jesus.

_____________

This is hard business, people. This kind of talk isn’t much fun, but hopefully it pushes the ball forward and can possibly serve as a conversation starter in your marriage.

[Feature image: Valentina Mabilia]

Boogie Shoes and Boat Paddles

Today we’re hosting a little Throwback Tuesday on the blog (I know that’s not really a thing; work with me, friend…). With an article I wrote for She Magazine six years ago…for their Celebrate Your Age issue.

I think it’s my favorite.

Lots of life has happened since then. Not all of it pleasant. By the time you’ve lived forty-two years on this spinning ball, there’s bound to have been some trips around the sun that have left you dizzy, dusty, and flat on your butt.

At least, that’s been the case for me.

I could definitely add more stops to this piece…and maybe I will at some point….but as for now, I can still echo its closing sentiments. Six years later.



boat paddles

All of this talk about age has me headed for the hills to reflect and ponder and ruminate and cogitate (one can never have too many synonyms, huh?). I’m going to my reflection place – my mental destination for reflecting. It’s a lot like my happy place. Well, truth be told, they are the same place; I am just reflective AND happy there. I digress.

As the wind tousles my hair (the ceiling fan greatly assists this effect) and the noonday brilliance knocks the chill off the breeze, the sun stands behind me and my back is perfectly warmed – compelling goose bumps to stand at attention on my arms.

The sky is cloudless, revealing a rich blue that is rarely replicated in nature.

There is no noise.

No fear.


No other people.

I am the population of my happy place.

The lake perfectly mirrors the flourishing hills that surround it. The dock is rocked ever so gently by the movement of the still water. It is a place of solitude. It’s here that I can revisit the shores of my past and stake my claim to my current season.

I remember.

I launch and paddle intermittently – gliding more than working. I steer in a general direction – unable to see my first stop. It is across the lake – the farthest distance from the dock, but time is easy here – smooth and fluid and painless.

I hear it before I see it and excitement bubbles in my tummy. It’s my fifth or sixth birthday, and I am dancing like nobody’s business.

A campground borders the seam of the land and the lake, and festivities are well underway. I am sixteen minutes shy of sharing my birthday with Independence Day, so the camp residents are in full celebration.

I’m pretty sure that I know the party isn’t for me, but it feels like good times all the same.

The band cranks up, and my insides get the jitters. At the encouragement of my family, I go out to dance with an aunt or some cousins. And if the party wasn’t for me before I started dancing, it is after those folks see my moves. They cheer and clap for me, and I dance in my bare feet for hours, unwilling to stop – covered in dust and sweat. It was my first dance.

I slip back into the boat with dirt creases in my elbows and knees and paddle to my next stop. Once I make land and tie up, I find myself bedecked in cap and gown, preparing to speak at my high school graduation – a few weeks before my eighteenth birthday. It is indeed a time for reflection and anticipation.

As I articulate in my speech, I have observed a remarkable phenomenon at work within my class. The tumultuous times of adolescence have bowed and submitted to the fear of the future; drama is deflated and uncertain days lie ahead.

I am blinded by the beam of the stadium lights, and the echo of my voice makes my delivery awkwardly timed, but I savor the memory. It was my time to be heard.

reflection

I find the gown a little too cumbersome for paddling and the tassel from the cap keeps tickling my nose, so I stow them away under my seat. While studying the soft ripples of my interruptions, I quickly arrive at my twenty-fourth birthday.

I’m seated for dinner at a swanky restaurant – feeling quite out of place and anxious – enjoying the experience and loathing it all at once. I unceasingly ask Chris about silverware and etiquette and how to order, for Pete’s sake. At this restaurant – on this day – dessert comes with a proposal on the side. Oh my, it was my turn to be loved.

With some bling on my finger, I stroke on. I lose my bearings a few times – so distracted by the ring and how the sun catches its many surfaces.

One more memory on the itinerary, and it should be just around this bend, tucked behind some brush along the sandy shore.

It’s me and my two girls. We’re lying in a hospital bed welcoming the newest member of our family. I wrap my arms around them both – the three year-old and the newborn – and I try to convey the most complex of emotions through my squeeze – reassurance, confidence, unconditional love. I was almost thirty-two. And it was time for me to give on a whole new level.

A little sleep-deprived after that stop, I’m done visiting. I’m ready to return to the dock, plant in a comfy chair and plug my ears with some tunes. I make quick strokes across the lake and see my destination up ahead.

I step out of the boat onto the dock and unexpectedly look straight down the barrel of my thirty-sixth birthday.

No fear here.


I reach around and disarm it.

I am not afraid.

My past makes me passionate about tomorrow. I want to dance ‘til my body gives up. I want to be heard. I want to love and be loved like crazy. I want to rise continually to the challenge of giving on a whole new level. It’s a glorious day to be me, and I say – bring it on!

[Images: Thomas and Dianne Jones]

Take a Seat.

After speaking at NewSpring Church in November 2012, I had the neat opportunity to meet a beautiful young lady God had touched significantly through my story as she watched from the Greenville Campus. Since that was – and still is – the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done, it was profoundly encouraging to know God did work that my words could never accomplish. Her beaming smile and animation fed something wonderful in my soul…

Meet Caroline Cann.

SEC_B&W

Since then, we have followed each other’s lives on social media and recently exchanged messages on Facebook. The semester after we met, Caroline moved to Columbia to become a Gamecock. She ran track for USC for a year and finished her NCAA eligibility playing volleyball. This past season was her last, and she has now jumped into broadcasting for the SEC Network (beach and indoor volleyball) and GamecocksOnline (videos and social media videos). Caroline will graduate this December with a degree in Broadcast Journalism, and as that life milestone nears she is working diligently and seeking God’s direction for what’s next.

However, she has recently encountered a window of time where God felt silent. This was particularly frustrating as meaningful life decisions loom on the horizon…



TakeASeatThere have been times where I felt like Jesus wasn’t speaking to me.

I used to think these seasons of “quietness” meant Jesus thought I was doing well enough to lose the training wheels and try doing some things on my own.

Almost like Jesus was saying, “Hey, Caroline, you’re doing great. I’m going to rest my voice for a little while and let you handle some things.

I also took the silence to mean I was in the middle of a transition. Pastor Judah Smith called it “in the meantime” in one of his sermons. I though Jesus’s silence meant nothing big was happening in my life so I could just sit back and He’d let me know when I needed to get ready for the next happenings of life. But after a few weeks of what I thought was silence…I started to get frustrated in my quiet time….shorten my time in prayer. And eventually my time in both disappeared.

I figured the next big event to happen in life would be my college graduation and by then Jesus would let me know what I needed to do. But for now, I was “in the meantime” and could just enjoy this season of life.

With one semester to go, I thought I was doing really great. Then it hit me.

Oh my gosh, I graduate in four months and Jesus hasn’t let me know what’s next. Sure, I’ve heard some great things in the little time I’ve spent with him and the sermons at church have been fire……but……..but……why don’t I have peace about what’s next? Why am I feeling like Jesus hasn’t been there for me? Why am I getting the silent treatment right now?

I decided to write down different events from the past six months where I felt Jesus’s guidance. For the first time in months, I was putting pen to paper and discussing things in my life with the one who designed it. Memories and little reminders flowed out of my head and on to paper – only to immediately be interrupted with another stream of consciousness that was so clear and so beautiful.

It made me pause and say, “Only Jesus.”

It hit me for the first time in months that Jesus wasn’t giving me the silent treatment. He wasn’t ignoring me. He hadn’t abandoned me. He was actually teaching me all along.

There are so many places in the Bible where Jesus is referred to as Rabbi or Teacher; I have read over these verses time and time again but never considered pausing over a word like teach. But in Matthew 5:2 –  just before one of the most important sermons begins – the Bible reads, “…and he began to teach them.”

Six little words that, at first glance, don’t seem too exciting. And certainly not as exciting as the sermon that follows, beginning in verse 3. However, when I picked up Matthew 5 this go ’round, I was drawn to the first two verses. And especially the second sentence in the passage:

Now when Jesus saw the crowds,

he went up on a mountainside and sat down.

His disciples came to him,

and he began to teach them.

I don’t know about you, but I want to be more like Jesus. So, anytime he does something or begins to do something, I want to know about it. In Matthew 5:1, Jesus saw the crowds, so he went up on a mountainside and sat down. Visually, this captures my interest.

I know me, and I like being part of a crowd.

As a student at the University of South Carolina, there are few things better than being in Williams Brice Stadium with 80,000 of your closest friends. But trying to listen to something important while 2001 blasts across the stadium just isn’t possible.

Jesus knows this. So he moved up to the mountainside…….sat down……and “[h]is disciples came to him and he began to teach.”

The reason I believed I wasn’t hearing Jesus was because I didn’t do what his disciples did……follow him. There’s little doubt in my mind that those on the outskirts of the crowd in Matthew 5 could overhear the Sermon on the Mount, but there were probably very few who could hear well enough to learn.

Jesus brought his disciples close, offered them rest by sitting, and then began to talk to them where they could listen carefully.

My “in the meantime” wasn’t silent at all. Jesus was never not speaking to me. I just wasn’t following Him and allowing Him to put me in a position to really listen. I think sometimes we surround ourselves with a crowd full of work, parties, and a calendar so full of events that we aren’t really able to listen. I realized that as I neared my last semester of college I fell back into a crowd who was overhearing Jesus but not following. I was not a follower who was able to sit and intently listen to every word. Life is busy and Jesus gets that. He just always wants to spend time with us so we can sit, rest, and listen to everything he has to teach us.

CarolineCannHeadshot

Caroline Cann, Guest Blogger

I was banana pudding…

As long as Tenacious Grace exists as a ministry, we will never receive a gift that means more to me than the one I received this week. When I pulled the tissue paper from the weighty black and white bag, I discovered a leather covered book. The tears in my eyes beat the message to my brain.

My grandmother’s Bible.


With her pen and highlighters still tucked in the front pocket. I wish you could have met her; she was just about the sassiest little woman to ever love Jesus. So this week’s post is dedicated to her; it’s a piece I originally wrote for She Magazine just weeks after she passed away.  Allow me to introduce you to Winnie Mae.



It was prom night in Sumter, and the neighbor girl was preparing for her grand departure. Her dress fit flawlessly; her nails were precisely polished, and she smiled delicately in the photos snapped by her parents. My mom, Aunt Shelby, and Grandma peered with nosy interest from their darkened bedroom window.

It was dusk as the couple paraded to the car, so the sneaky, spying trio had a clear view of the fanfare. Their covert observation was proceeding as planned.

That is…..until devilment got the better of my mother.

She knew full well that the curtain in their room easily dismounted and often fell unprovoked. My mom yelled the neighbor’s name as her chivalrous date was opening the car door. My mom and aunt hit the deck, flipped the light switch, dislodged the curtain in all the commotion, and left Grandma standing in the naked window, completely illuminated and exposed by the bright overhead light, as the neighbor’s gaze followed the sound of her name.

“Becky would get me coming and going,” she would chuckle as she often recounted their misadventures.

After retelling the prom night debacle she would usually, in her mock exasperation – fighting the urge to just get plum tickled – tell about how my mom would narrate scary stories to her five younger siblings. My mom would speak in a whispered tone and embellish her tale with spooky details as she concocted one scary story after the next. My Grandma would laugh and confess Mama’s stories scared her as much as they did her children.

Grandma and PaPa were married fifty-five years and parented six children: four daughters and two sons (Whew!). She was most complete when surrounded by her children, and she would often say that it took all of them to make her happy.

She was always petite but possessed a strength that I still cannot wrap my brain around.

And her house was always a place where people gathered; I mean people besides her family. There were always grandchildren running to and fro, sons and daughters bickering, people bringing or retrieving cars my PaPa repaired, childhood friends stopping in, extended family members paying a visit, sometimes unusual pets hanging out in the back yard (a pig, a horse, and ducks), but always a dog named Tiny with nails tapping across the floor as he/she scampered through the house (the name was always passed down to his/her successor).

The smell of steak and gravy invited whoever turned the knob on the back door, so there was always a house full at eating time. Kids parked it on the floor, and the adults packed out the living room and kitchen for Sunday lunch. Laughter and comfort food were always on the menu.

Grandma had a specialty (or two or three) for each family member, so there was a special scoop of lovin’ on Sunday if Grandma fixed your favorite.

I was banana pudding.

She was in the restaurant business for many years; in fact, at one time she was part-owner of the now vacant Mama’s Kitchen on Lafayette Street in Sumter. Her gracious hospitality made her the star of that place.

Somehow she made this amazing connection between feeding someone’s hunger and feeding someone’s heart. Her customers left with a satisfaction that comes from more than a full stomach. She knew their stories, how they liked their coffee and their eggs, and she loved them.

In fact, after Thanksgiving in 1984 a regular commented to her, “Winnie Mae, I didn’t have Thanksgiving dinner this year since Mama’s Kitchen wasn’t open.”

Well, that would not do.

She announced to her children that she could not enjoy Christmas at home with her family, knowing that others were alone and hungry. So we all, even me at eleven years-old, suited up and served 300 free meals on Christmas Day that year, and she also organized and delivered 66 fruit baskets to individuals who were homebound.

Later in life, she and PaPa met up with Jesus, and He took it all to a new level. She began to love people in His Name.

That lady had the most audacious faith I have ever seen. I have witnessed her write a tithe check when she absolutely did not know whether they had enough money to pay their bills or buy their medicine. She had a heart for underdogs and people who were hurting, and she would fervently pray for innumerable people and their situations on a daily basis.

She called me the morning of the Ocean Isle beach house fire in October 2007, so we could pray together for the families of the seven college students who died.

She encouraged through cards she mailed, and she was a student of His Word. She could not get enough of Him. She was ordained as a minister in her church, and it was a joy to hear her speak before the congregation she loved. What a blessing to have witnessed her passion and devotion!

My final visit with her I sat at the foot of her recliner and talked with her as my then three year-old sang “Jesus Loves Me” in the background. I welled up with tears even then, realizing the beauty of the moment. I, however, did not realize it would be my last.

To many people she was Winnie Mae, but to me she was Grandma Springs. She was a five-year breast cancer survivor battling emphysema. Rather unexpectedly, she received complete healing at the hands of her Father on August 30, 2008.

She lived large and her absence has left a hole the size of the Grand Canyon. I will think of her and only seconds later remember that she is not just a phone call away. I can still hear her voice speaking common phrases – like how she referred to PaPa as Shug (short for Sugar).

Shortly after her passing, I awoke from the sweetest dream where I laughed with her again. It left me feeling as though I had been given one more visit until my own time comes. This is mourning with hope.

We cannot help but grieve our own loss, but we also cannot help celebrating her life. Her laughter was infectious. Her love was deep and broad. Her influence was far-reaching.

So as her family we can know that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).

We can praise Him for her freedom to run if she takes a notion to.

Ours is a mourning with hope.

We praise Him.

We celebrate her.

[Feature Image: jbstafford]

The House That Regret Built

rearview mirror

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

After burning through four college majors, two college degrees, teaching high school English for seven years, momming it at home for ten years, working on church staff for three years and traipsing around the planet for forty-two years, I finally know.

And the thing is….I vividly remember bumping up against what stirred my soul on several occasions along the way.

In the early years of my adolescence I wanted to be a missionary. I was born with a teacher’s heart, so during that span of life, I “practiced” the missionary life by teaching my sister about Jesus. Heather is ten years younger, so I would sit her three year-old little self in my lap and read her endless Bible stories. Asking her questions to check her comprehension as any teacher worth her salt knows to do.

I again rubbed elbows with my heart’s love at the end of a bar in Clemson shortly after my college graduation. With a degree in Secondary Education. Deep in conversation about what I wanted to do next, I stifled tears when I shared my desire to search out the poorest community I could find and enact change through quality education. With a grand finale flourish, I released the tears and concluded, “I think I may be a Democrat.” True story. I didn’t know what to call the fire in my belly. I didn’t have a label for it.

My trip to Kenya in 2009 once again inflamed this thing in me. It felt like all my senses were on high alert. Colors were more vibrant, smells richer, flavors deeper. I felt all wide-eyed and alive.

And then. My recent trips to visit with the female inmates in the Florence County Detention Center sealed the deal. The thing was back. And this time I knew what to call it. And it isn’t at all tied to a political party.

Fear and doubt in the form of…

You can’t go live in a foreign country by yourself.

It wouldn’t be safe for you to work in a low-income community as a young teacher.

What are you going to do? Sell all of your belongings and feel sorry you were born in America? How does that help Kenyans?

…caused me to reject the stirring. My own preoccupation with safety and certainty has stolen years.

I regret that. It makes me sad to only now walk with clarity of purpose. It took decades to get here, and time is short. There is so much to do…..

There are other things I regret too.

But here’s what I know about regret. It builds a house and invites us to dinner. It rolls out a lavish spread and makes it easy for us to accept its hospitality. Regret says, “Put your feet up. Rest. Cry if you want to; your tears are welcome here.” And all the while it coaxes us into paralysis. Until our faith atrophies. Our hope feels like concrete blocks. We are smothered by the oppressive blanket of the past. We’re a guest at the inn of shame where no sunshine angles through the window. It’s dim. And we’re stuck.

house

That’s the house regret has built in my life. Does that ring true with your experience at all? Is that your current address?

Well, here’s what else I’ve learned about regret. If we’ll intentionally muster the persistent effort to leave out the back door, we’ll find ourselves standing in the sunshine on the front porch of opportunity.

Because we can’t change the weight of the past.

But we don’t have to continue to sit under it.

God has provided informed hindsight where He’s allowed me to look in the rearview mirror and see how essential every part of my journey has been to our current location. Experiences from my childhood taught me Jesus is the source of healing and helped me connect with others who have similar backgrounds.

My early love for disciple-making and the years of studying educational theory and practice as a college student work nicely together.

My years on a church staff taught me how to lead a ministry, how to lead people and build teams. How to engage people with the Truth and the pure joy of serving others.

My mistakes have baptized me in an understanding of grace that I desperately needed, and they have broken the legs of pride that attempted to stand too tall. Because sometimes the Lord’s goodness tastes like humble pie.

While He has worked good from everything in my life for His purposes, He has said as He did after the miracle of feeding the five thousand in John 6, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted” (v. 12).

Let nothing be wasted.

I look back and know that every part of it was necessary. Though I could have chosen to learn lessons in less painful ways.

Today, as I stand in the sunshine on the front porch of opportunity, I am not alone. There are two friends with me, Kay Douglas (the business/legal guru) and Lindsay Haselden (the creative/marketing brain), and we peek in the window and see a ministry called Tenacious Grace. God has knit us together with a submission to Him, a love for each other, and a passion for seeing people thrive in their relationship with Jesus. I am particularly broken for poor, marginalized, hurting women.

friends.

We don’t know all of the specifics, but we know that Tenacious Grace is a place where people can find Truth, strength, and hope in Jesus. Through speaking and writing and serving in jail and whatever other directive the Lord gives, we intend to point to Jesus, champion grace, and serve women who haven’t enjoyed the advantages of life we have.

We have a tiny office and bills. We are in the process of filing for 501c3 (nonprofit) status, and next month we’re filming a six-week video-driven Bible study, which will be our first major project.

If you are interested in watching and participating in what God is doing through the ministry of Tenacious Grace, like our ministry page on FB, subscribe to the blog, and share posts to help us reach outside of our circles of influence. There will be lots of opportunities to get involved, and we would love to have you on board.

As always, thank you for reading, and I hope you’ll stop by again real soon.

[Feature Images: Miguel Angel Arroyo Ortega and Max and Dee Bernt]