10
November

The Smile of a Disposable Woman

marginalized women

A smile may be the most costly gift a woman has to offer.

I recently scribbled a message in a birthday card for a delightful young lady celebrating her 24th birthday. The cover was ornate, drawn by a friend, and the inside was filled with well wishes and love. The birthday girl spent her big day in jail. And given her charge, she may pass all of her remaining birthdays there.

I don’t know the circumstances of her life or the details surrounding the event that landed her in an orange jumpsuit. What I know of her is that she seems shy with bright eyes and a radiant smile. She is most often tucked in the fold of two older inmates I am especially fond of. We hug and cry and laugh and shoot straight and recite Scripture together each Sunday morning. All three are sitting under the heaviest of charges.

women

To the world, these ladies – with their mug shots and rap sheets – are disposable.

Most of the time I think, “It’s no wonder they are here. It’s absolutely no wonder…” And I even ponder, “Are we – to some degree – responsible? How have we reached down to the sector of disadvantage and loved like Jesus?”  I’m not talking about episodes of charity; I’m talking about a commitment to deliverance.

This is the same weight I hauled back from Kenya. I was despondent for two months after my return. I was heartbroken by the likelihood that I would return to my middle class white girl ignorance. And I did. Mainly because I didn’t know what to do. How to be different in a world that defines hardship as having a PC instead of a Mac.

The problem is too big, I thought.

There isn’t enough money, I reasoned. Or enough time…

girl

But if I am honest I don’t think those excuses are going to hold water when we answer for our lives.

Something inside of me is broken for marginalized women. Disposable women. But my thing doesn’t have to be your thing.

God cares about orphans and widows, prisoners and the poor, the oppressed, the abused and the mourning. Pick one.

And I don’t think we get to throw money at an issue and feel released. Because if money were the answer, the wealthiest people in our society would be the healthiest. And that just isn’t so.

If we want to make a difference, we have to get out where it’s scary. And raw. And beautiful.

Jesus fought for the fringe.

He ministered to those in the margin.

He dignified the disposable.

girls

So as we wade into the the holiday season of gratitude and joy and peace, I’d like to suggest some ideas for a different kind of Christmas. The kind that might afford a smile to a disposable woman.

Buy Christmas gifts from organizations helping others. We’re going to spend the money anyway….why not choose gifts that directly benefit the disadvantaged?

  • Thistle Farms is a residential program in Nashville for those surviving abuse, addiction, trafficking, and prostitution. My daughter’s teachers are receiving candles poured and wicked by the ladies who benefit from this program. They sell an assortment of cool gift items, and my new favorite tee, “Love Heals,” came from TF.
  • Punjammies are on my own Santa list; they are pajama bottoms made by women in India who have escaped trafficking. Sudara also carries fun tees for girls, mamas, and dudes. And all purchases help keep women out of the sex trade.
  • This article highlights other brands fighting trafficking.
  • And if you are local to the lower part of SC, I direct you to De Baz in Hartsville. Your purchases can help empower women in Ethiopia, help fight poverty in Guatemala, support families in Ecuador, and provide income and safe work environments for women in Nepal – just to name a few.

de baz

de baz

de baz


Create a plan for getting involved as a family. Have a date night or family meeting at Starbucks – with red cups in hand – and discuss your passions and opportunities, do research and plan a next step.

  • Come alongside someone barely scrapping out an existence. Not so much where you supply Thanksgiving dinner and an overwhelming load of gifts. But where you invite them to your table. On a regular basis. A single mom. A teen mom. A struggling young couple. A widow. A divorced father. Get involved in their lives for the long haul. Build real relationships that provide legitimate support.
  • Get involved in the education of someone fighting for a chance. Education is a subversive attack on poverty.
  • Jump in at your local homeless shelter or soup kitchen and invest in people there on a regular basis. Hang out there on Tuesday nights and love them well. Help them make connections with job opportunities. Prepare and share a meal with them. Locals, Whosoever Community Church would love to have you there building relationships, especially since resident numbers will spike with the colder temperatures.

beautiful smile

PS. If this is going to be a difficult holiday season, I double dog strongly encourage you to dive in to helping someone else. On some of my darkest days of depression, I forced myself – quite unwillingly – to get up and help someone outside of my family. It is medicine.


Send some dollars outside of the US to help efforts abroad and to tender your heart for the world. There are tons of organizations doing great work all over the globe; you’ll encounter no shortage there. I personally know the world changer, Rachel Keefe, and know her to be an amazing steward of God’s call on her life. If you choose to donate, you will enable her to continue doing ministry – loving on beautiful kiddos in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. You can best follow her heart and her journey on Facebook.

vietnamese smiling

And I know the final point is a jarring conclusion to this list but, to me, it’s so in line with the heart of this post.

Please stop supporting the porn industry. Porn addiction has become a quiet epidemic. Even in the church. Among men and women. My words are saturated in nothing but love and grace. My own sin is great. Ladies, I know you abhor the clutch this addiction has on you, but it will not fill the emptiness gnawing your insides.

Porn is sex trade.

Fellas, the girl on your screen is being sold. You are the buyer. I am aware that its an addictive tool used by Satan to dismantle your faith, to trap you in secrets and shame. But there’s also more at stake. There is no chance that in the little girl’s heart that still beats beneath the charade she likes what she’s doing. There was a juncture in her life where she felt she had no other choice. Even if it was when she was five and somebody decided her innocence was theirs for the taking.

Please do whatever it takes to be free. For your sake and hers.

smile

Because…

Jesus fought for the fringe.

He ministered to those in the margin.

He dignified the disposable.


[Beautiful images: Rafa Puerta, himadri 48, Geraint Rowland, Adam Cohn, Rakesh JV, CiaoHo, Vee]
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3
November

Dear Extrovert…

I am an introvert.

I am not shy. Shyness and introversion are not the same. Though introverts can be shy, for sure.

I love people. Like a lot. My heart is dialed to tender, and I am ubiquitously teary about the poignantly mundane. I get choked up over a kid I don’t even know struggling to cross the finish line at a cross country meet. I’m a softy.

I love people. All their words…..not so much.

I love public speaking. Though this is generally not the case for most introverts, I would rather speak to a thousand people than make small talk with one. I abhor it like nothing else.

I would rather sit and have someone pull out every hair on my head individually than participate in sorority rush again. Speed small talk with strangers; I have never done anything more contrary to my wiring than that.

But. If you want to immediately get to the guts of a conversation – without taking me through the hoops of drivel before we get there – let’s go. I think that may be part of why I love ministering to inmates; small talk doesn’t exist in jail.

I prefer group settings to one-on-one. In a group setting, I feel less pressure to interact. Because I can always count on you to keep the conversation going. You mask my withdrawal, allowing me time to think before I jump into the fray or allowing me to check out without much notice.

But, admittedly, I’m rotten in a fast-paced, high pressure meeting. The squeeze of the rapid-fire shuts me down. Often times you guys leave thinking we introverts had nothing to contribute. But if we were given a short window of time to process the discussion, the collective could benefit from all the ideas at the table. There is no research to suggest that the fastest speaker with the biggest personality has the best ideas.

I genuinely love being alone. I am not hiding or retreating. I am not insecure. I am reflective, and I have to think before I can express.

I have a low threshold for lots of interaction and stimulation. After a lot of activity – even bustle that is wholly fun and entertaining – my insides begin to vibrate. I feel like a juiced electric fence. I nap almost every day and it’s not so much because I don’t get enough sleep. It’s because I have to set aside time to shut down all stimulation and restore steadiness inside my skin. It doesn’t take long but without it I charge my family like the bulls of Pamplona.

So please don’t judge us as self-indulgent, selfish, or lazy.

Open work space is an introvert’s nightmare. I am less creative in an environment with more stimulation. The busyness and noise zaps and drains; it’s why I don’t write in coffee shops or with music.

I chase silence and allow it to insulate my thoughts.

So, your introvert employees/coworkers may go in search of a dark closet with a power outlet for a workspace. It doesn’t mean they aren’t a team player. It doesn’t mean they’re ditching you. It means their tolerance for activity is less than yours.

I often have to force myself to talk. And when I say force I mean I literally say to myself, “Okay, Cookie, you must share this. It’s unfair to the relationship if you don’t express this” or “This is a legit idea; you have a responsibility to share it. Ready, set, go.” It is especially difficult for me to share my feelings. That takes an extra firm internal nudge. Talking also takes extra resolve after I’ve been alone for an extended period of time. I can climb so far into myself that I have to push myself back out there.

Time and space for reflection is necessary. Even among you guys, our extroverted brethren. Our culture is built around extroverted ideals. We believe that aggressive sociability is imperative to success, so the introverts in the room are left feeling deficient. Like our wiring makes us inferior. That isn’t a thing. Luke 5:16 (emphasis added) makes time and space for reflection and prayer a wise priority for us all:

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.  


I am better in writing than I am in a conversation. When I can slow-cook my words, I have something worthwhile to add to a dialogue. The quality of what I can add on the fly is vastly diminished.

Chris, my husband, and I have learned to effectively navigate this in our communication. As much as you may disagree, he and I initially wade through a disagreement via text messages. We will always conclude it with an actual conversation, but in a text I have time to carefully and accurately compose my feelings and express them without the emotional charge of face-to-face. As the extrovert in the relationship, texting causes Chris to pause and think through his words before they are rashly released. It’s working really well for us.

introvert sign

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, the book, and the site, Quiet Revolution, are great resources for introverts and extroverts alike. Many years ago I prayed that God would help me understand how He made me. That He would nurture the aspects of me that are consistent with what He put in me and how He wants to use me.

In the same prayer I prayed that He would help me see what I have learned to be that actually is contrary to how He made me. I asked Him to help me “unlearn” anything that hinders His plan for my continued transformation. And I believe He’s doing that.

At 42 I understand more about how I’m built. AND about how my story and circumstances have taught me things that sometimes stand against God’s purposes for me. It is my quest to walk more confidently in the things that He mixed in  – like introversion – that make me me and to allow the scalpel of Truth to remove the things that have crept into my nature as a result of fear, hurt, loss, and even cultural expectations.

I make no attempt to speak for all introverts. What’s true for me may not be true for all introverts, but we do all kind of live in the same neighborhood.

I am listening to the audiobook version of Quiet and I took an informal assessment in the book. I scored 65% introvert, 35% extrovert, which I think is really pretty accurate. While there’s no such thing as a 100% introvert or extrovert, there are traits we share that cause us to operate differently.

Most of the time, gregarious friend, we wish we could get after it with your quick assault on life; rock on with all your words and high energy. Just know that a lot is happening in our brains…you’re just going to have to slow down to hear it.

Kindest regards from the hermitage…

Cookie

[Images by Nguyen Hung Vu, Merri, & Brett Jordan]
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3
October

The Vulnerability Hangover

vulnerability hangover

I think I’m gonna hurl, I cautioned myself as her lips moved happily without sound. A year elapsed in the span of a two-minute interaction. My insides hosted a raucous rebellion. My nervous system quaked like hummingbird wings, and my guts were angry. I stood there with a fiery spear connecting the dots from one temple to the other, and my legs threatened to bolt if I didn’t cooperate.

“….brave……enjoyed reading……wanted to thank you….” Some of her words sliced through my consciousness.

We have a bad connection. I can’t hear you and I’m about to puke on your shoe. Please shut up, so I can run home, curl up in a ball, and cry for a millennium. Thanks for understanding; you’re a doll, my brain confessed. Thankfully….my mouth was parched by paralysis.

It was finally over. I stifled a violent retch as I walked across the preschool parking lot to my truck.

It was my first brush with the vulnerability hangover. It was nine years ago, and my first article had just been published in She Magazine.

In the snugness of my recliner, I had pecked out gratitude for my mama, highlighted against the backdrop of errant daughter antics. I had been comfortable alluding to late night drunken disasters during the college years from the isolation of my guest room. Having preschool-mom-I-know-not approach me during drop off and realizing I had shared my years as a lush and other personal details with all of this region of South Carolina was an enterprise of another variety.

What have I done? 

It’s the vulnerability hangover’s theme song.

My tolerance for public vulnerability has grown significantly over the past decade, particularly as I’ve seen the willingness to be openly human unlock the shackles for others – even if just for a brief respite to massage the wrists and ankles.

These days I consider myself a bit of a student of the vulnerability hangover. When someone opens the trench coat and emotionally flashes the world, I secretly forecast the imminent onset of the VH.

The afflicted replay their words like an Instagram video on an unceasing loop. And then they assume the universal posture of mortification:

vulnerability hangover

Nothing invokes the VH symptoms like social media gaffes.

Can we all just agree that Facebook isn’t the best venue for soul-baring? Especially of the hurt or angry sort.

We need real live breathing people we share those feelings with – preferably those we are angry with or hurt by. I know it’s archaic but – for crying out loud – pick up the phone and dial ’em up.

Swiftly hide/unfriend/block if need be and move on, dear one.

Social media requires a health that eludes many of us. Since we are shooting straight here, there have been times when I was not healthy enough to 1) have Swiss Cake Rolls in my house or 2) log-in to Twitter. We’ve gotta know when it’s time to walk away for a spell, friends. Maybe BuzzFeed can crank out a quiz entitled “How Likely Are You to Post Something Emotionally Asinine?”

Lately my Facebook feed has felt more like a middle school hallway than a social network for adults, and that feels bizarro at 42 years-old.

I’m not complaining because I can easily sign out and live unaware. Rant on, angry post-er, if you will. Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But the people-lover in me (introvert though I am) wants all of us to have safe people we can vent to. Listening ears that can absorb our anger and kind voices that speak a balm over our raw emotion.

Conflict resolution is not a lost art. It’s an actual thing. But social media is not its address. I have never – not one single solitary time – seen a conflict dismantled on any social media platform.

That’s not its jam.

Forget BuzzFeed.

How Likely Are You to Post Something Emotionally Asinine?

  • Are your nostrils flared due to a wild-eyed fury? Slowly back away from the keyboard.
  • Are your tears and snot commingling as you croon out old school Percy Sledge? Just don’t.
  • Is there a trace of alcohol in your bloodstream? Abstain, man, abstain.
  • Are you writing a post with a specific, unnamed individual as its audience? Nope. Your veiled allusion fools no one.
  • Are you trying to portray that you don’t give a rat’s butt about something that is eating you alive? Yo, we’re not buying it.

I’m a proponent of realness because it kicks artifice in the teeth. I’m a fan of authenticity because it unlocks prisons of shame and arbitrary expectations. I fly that flag and beat that drum all day long, but everything has a proper context.

Vulnerability works its magic when it debuts in safety.

And it captivates a room when it collects itself and then emerges publicly to help and encourage.

The vulnerability hangover may still beset the sharer, but when the motive is freedom and a desire to assist others, soul-satisfaction is its remedy. And with each episode of transparency, our guts develop greater immunity to the VH. I don’t think we’re ever impervious to its effects, but we become prone to a much milder case.

Keep it real, fam. Buck the notion to paint your life perfect and temper your rush to spew anger and hurt. Walk the balance between authenticity and instability. Cultivate genuine, safe community, and fight against the VH’s ambition of keeping you fake.

And beware of those who thrive on oversharing; they’ve been vaccinated against the vulnerability hangover. Lord, help us all…

[Images: Bryan Rosengrant and Alex Proimos]
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29
September

Who’s Your Daddy?

who's your dad

I grew to anticipate the inquisition.

Any time I met an adult man in my charming hometown, I was asked the same question. Invariably.

“Who’s your daddy?” asked with a tilted chin and through squinted eyes. Thick with a drawl and steeped in suspicion.

Because in the tobacco farming days of Marion, South Carolina, everybody knew everybody. Families had cultivated the same parcel of land for generations, and familial connections granted a wealth of information.

Once said-sir had my father’s name, he would proudly tell me where I lived, who my grandparents were, and recount a tale involving one of my family members. It was a beautifully odd interaction.

Years later the same inquiry enjoyed smack-talk popularity and was used to denote ownership:

“Who’s your daddy?” asked with an arrogant sneer.


At that point the question cycled through my psyche and stuck. I internalized it. In a different context. Without conscious effort it became a common query of myself. Because I wanted to know him.

To know why he allowed bad things to happen to good people.

To know why some people enjoyed his protection while others did not.

To know what pleased him and why his kids were often exclusive and rigid.

To know what he expected of me and why he seemed so angry all of the time.

I wanted to know God. 

In hindsight I see this has become something of a theme in my life. So much of my growing as a human has been the result of reconciling my conception of God with my life circumstances or those of others. A lot of “What kind of God allows this?” for both the awe-inspiring and the awful.

Through my own thirty years with him, I have discovered two life-altering truths he has hammered home like tent pegs:

  • EVERY misstep I have made has been a result of an inaccurate understanding of who he is.
  • He is so confident of his own goodness he knows that if I know him better I can’t help but love him more.

He walloped me with these principles so steadily that I wrote a Bible study sharing what I’d learned. You know, trying to spare others the walloping if possible.

That was five years ago.


Who’s Your Daddy? A Glimpse into God’s Character.


It was actually the second study I had written (the first had been a women’s study that accompanied a sermon-series entitled Five Lies of the Devil).

Who’s Your Daddy? was a six-week study taught at Bean Groovy coffee shop to 50+ women. Bean Groovy closed for us for six Monday nights, and the ladies enjoyed coffee and dessert while I taught an hour or so each week on a different attribute of God’s character. The gals followed along in a workbook designed and formatted by Lindsay, and our ministry partnership was born.

There was no content other than the weekly teaching sessions and a general homework assignment to be completed before our next gathering. There were no slides to accompany the listening guides. We didn’t film the sessions; heck, we don’t have one single picture from the entire study.

Primitive though it was, it was an absolute blast. And – in the five years since, even having written and taught another study, Tell the Truth – people still share how God revealed himself to them through the content of Who’s You Daddy?

So.

As God has given greater definition to the ministry of Tenacious Grace, he has also pointed us to revamp Who’s Your Daddy? (#WYD) and offer it as an online study.

WhosYourDaddy

And that’s what we’ve been getting after for the past few months. This go-round the study will feature six video teaching sessions (offered online) plus a workbook with listening guides and 24 daily devotionals. Each teaching session will tackle one attribute of God’s character (4 attributes from the original study and 2 brand new ones) and then the workbook will feature four daily devotionals that support that week’s character trait. More than 85% of the study is brand new content.

When you purchase the study, you will receive the workbook (locally or we’ll ship) with an access code for the video sessions printed inside.

whosyourdaddy


The study will be available for purchase here on our site and possibly in a couple of local venues [details pending, fingers crossed].

All parts of the study are still in production but the workbooks will be available by the end of the year (Christmas shopping time) and the videos will be accessible on January 1. So you can purchase the study in advance, enjoy the crazy of the holidays, and be set to begin on New Year’s Day. We can’t wait to kick off 2016 with you!

The beauty of an online study is the freedom that allows you to participate anytime, anywhere. The teaching sessions are a little under 20 minutes each, and you can watch from your phone in carline, in a coffee shop, or as a group. The possibilities really are unlimited.

The videos will continue to be available online until Jesus comes (and then the study will be pointless 🙂 ), so there’s no date by which you must start or finish.

We live with our feet on the ground, usually stuck there by spilled juice and syrup from our kiddos’ breakfast, so we’re all about making things easy around these parts…

We haven’t nailed down pricing just yet because we’re talking through an early bird price, a group rate, and other fun options, but we’re in the $20 range (with some options coming in at a little less and some shipping options coming in at a little more).

While it has been incredibly painful to watch and listen to hours of video of myself, it has instructed my prayers.

It has helped me know where to ask God to use my unintentional repetition of a point to drive it home for you, to ask him to magically unstick that piece of hair from the side of my face, and to beg him to give supernatural effectiveness to our best efforts.

Listen.

I know I bring nothing to the table but muddy fingerprints that mar the message, but my Daddy……

But.

My.

Daddy.

Can run a river through a desert.

So I’m praying he can use this study to draw us all closer to him. That – for some unexplainable reason – he’ll reveal himself in a way that leaves us smitten and awe-struck.

I’m praying for you. On my face this morning, urging him to ready the soil of our hearts for an encounter with him like we have never known. For eyes to see anew. For ears to hear with fresh understanding. For him to unzip the atmosphere and allow us to experience his presence with such power that we are never the same again.

Ever.

I hope you’ll join me.

Here’s how I would love for you to join this conversation:

  • Complete our contact form if you would like to be notified when the study is available for purchase.
  • Leave any questions you have in the comments, so I can answer them for everyone’s benefit.
  • If you have participated in any of the three studies from the past, share a memory (on FB or in the comments) from the content, a funny, or a food review from the desserts we offered at the first WYD :). Since we don’t have pictures, I’d love to have you help me capture those early days…

Friends, we can know him in a way that changes EVERYTHING!

[Feature Image: Dani Vasquez]
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9
September

When a Dream Dies

One of the coolest things I (Lindsay) have gotten to do recently is editing and formatting devotionals for Cookie as she enters the final stages of an amazing writing project (more on this at the end of the post :)). With her keeping her writing focus on that project this week, I am back at the blog today to share more on how my story with Jesus ties into what He is up to on the crazy ride of Tenacious Grace.

dreamdies2Sometimes Jesus says yes. Sometimes He says no. And sometimes He says not yet.

In April of 2012, as I was praying, Jesus whispered three things in my spirit and gave me clear instructions to “have faith.” Excited over the revelation and clarity I quickly wrote them down on a post-it.Post-It

I felt like all three of these things fell into the “not yet” category, but I stuck the post-it on my desk to serve as a reminder of where Jesus was taking me.

Then over a year passed. And instead of God drawing me closer to these opportunities, my circumstances seemed to be pulling me farther and farther away.

Holding onto hope became hard. And eventually I just couldn’t bear to look at the note without feeling discouraged. I felt pressed to let go. So…with a heavy heart, I pulled the post-it off and placed it into a folder.

Some would say I was giving up on God. I felt like that myself. I thought maybe I had misunderstood Him; or He was just letting me down. But I was wrong.

I didn’t realize it then, but sometime in the year after I had written my post-it note, I had gotten wrapped up in following Jesus for the purpose of seeing those promises fulfilled. My joy became tied to whether or not I thought I was getting closer to where God was taking me next. And God wanted my joy to be solely anchored in the fact that He was with me now—no matter what season I happened to be traversing.

As I bitterly let go of my dreams, Jesus stripped me of unhealthy ambition, idols, and pride. But over time I eventually and amazingly found myself in a place of peace — free of striving and straining.

I learned that when we get overly infatuated with the idea of what’s next, we will unavoidably lose sight of the purpose He has for us right where we are. And even worse, our God-given dreams can unintentionally become our gods.

Through that season He replaced my iron-fisted grip on my dreams with an open-handed hope. Where I could still have faith for the future, without obsessively looking for ways to bypass the present.

It’s been over three years since I wrote that post-it note. I had forgotten about it until I recently sat at the computer and saw a link to a devotional I wrote for my church’s blog. Then suddenly a wave of excitement hit me–reminding me of that post-it and all that Jesus has done since I put it away.

I searched my folders and found the note. Reading it I was overwhelmed with gratitude to Jesus. When I wasn’t paying attention He brought me full circle — providing every single opportunity that He had whispered over my life three years ago:

* ministry with C

* a women’s group

* the writing team

Alone I may have chalked them up to coincidence. But together they stand as a testament to His faithfulness in my life.

…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…

And as for the star on my post-it labelled “Ministry with C” — let me tell ya, Jesus is up to something of the Ephesians 3:20 variety in the form of Tenacious Grace.

Recently I got to spend a few days sitting in a studio, watching Cookie do what God has so beautifully gifted her to do. Teaching in a way to help people find Truth, strength, and hope in Jesus.

I’ve been able to attend and work alongside her through each of her previous Bible Studies. Listened to her do her thing on the NewSpring stage. Seen her speak at women’s conferences, in small groups, and in churches around the community. Jesus never fails to speak to me when Cookie teaches. Getting to partner together with her in what Jesus is doing is one of the greatest blessings of my life.

As Cookie, Kay, and I continue moving forward and assembling the nuts and bolts of Tenacious Grace we’d love your prayers. And here are a few things we’d love to share with you:

  1. Cookie is fully immersed in the final stages of writing a devotional book that will accompany her upcoming video Bible Study. Expect lots more info on this amazing resource soon!
  2. Cookie will also be speaking at several churches and ministries in the coming months, and if you’d like more information about having her speak at your church or event check out the SPEAKING page. We’d absolutely love to come and serve you!
  3. If you would like to stay up-to-date on all that Jesus is up to in Tenacious Grace, head on over and like our ministry Facebook page. We’d love to connect with you there!

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