Everyday Observations | Cookie Cawthon | product of a tenacious grace

March

10 Things I Wish I Could’ve Told 25 Year-Old Me…

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I’ll be 42 in July, and I don’t shy away from admitting that. It feels kind of…..comfortable…kind of strong…kind of tested. Like most ancients, I wouldn’t want to be 25 again…unless, of course, I could go back knowing what I know now. If I could, these are the secrets I would whisper into my tender, newlywed ear:

1) People usually are doing the best they can. That never excuses hurt. But it does assist forgiveness and understanding. Life is severe, and thankfully, you don’t know that yet. You’ve definitely experienced your parcel of hard things, but you are still believing that ignoring those hurts means they’re gone. You’re still believing that selfish, hurtful people should be punished. Except you are one. People have hurt you and will hurt you. You have hurt people and will hurt people. There is a softening that comes over time by way of cupping weeping faces and allowing your hurts to find kinship. Everybody has a hurt that is the lens through which they live life. The right frames are grace and compassion.

2) Life is too short to live without color. Color was God’s idea, so it obviously has a rich purpose. Indulge in it. Wear it, paint it, buy it, eat off of it, sleep under it, plant it. Red makes you happy, so choose color. Enough of the black, brown and gray already…

3) Focus will determine what you see. You have a great deal of control over what you see. If you determine to look for the good in people today, you’ll find it. If you decide to count reasons to be pissed off today, you’ll find plenty. If you make today a scavenger hunt of gratitude, your list will be long. If you want reasons to complain, you’ll trip over them all day. You’ll find whatever you’re looking for.

4) Fear is overrated. It will rob you of more life than any other thing. Wanna shoot a gun? Shoot it. Wanna write a book? Get after it. Want a graduate degree? Apply. Want to skydive? Get a tattoo? Pierce your nose? If it’s not sin and if it’s not clearly harmful, DO! IT!

5) Marriage is actually more about Jesus than you or Chris. To some degree, I think we’ve misrepresented marriage in the Church. We don’t talk openly about the fact that there will be times that you don’t want to be married to each other any more. So when either of you feel that, you think, “This is wrong. If God meant for us to be married, I wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe I made a mistake…” No. No. No. Marriage is a tool by which Jesus continues to call us to die to our selfish selves and love with His love. And when both of you are committed to that end, God will grow a marriage so rooted in Him that you experience the miraculous regularly.

6) Keep lighthearted fun a high priority. To neglect it will make you anxious, cold, unhappy, and old. Buy a Jeep. Take as many day trips to the beach as possible. Ride the four-wheeler wide-open down the farm dirt roads – often. Burn candles daily (no food, fruit, or flower scents though – save yourself the money. You don’t like any of those). There is therapy and health tucked in fun. In your nature, you are too serious and too driven, so you’ll have to force yourself to have fun. But…you know what…the overachiever in you makes you good at having fun too.

7) Loving others well is absolutely where it’s at. There are so many truths about life that are counterintuitive; that’s why so many people miss out on them, and this is a huge one. We think indulging self will bring the greatest satisfaction in life; in all fairness, that seems logical. That’s not how we’re wired though. Self-indulgence (including self-pity – which is another form of self-indulgence) as an M.O. yields emptiness. Who knew? When you wake each morning ask, “Who can I love today? How can I love them in a way that will be super meaningful?” Little else will bring joy and fullness like a life devoted to loving.

8) The present is always rich with treasure. Even when the present sucks. Recognize the treasure under your nose. Give thanks for it. Steward it well. Initiate it. Decorate your day with it. You have stunning sunrises and sunsets at your disposal twice a day. Smiles from strangers. Warm chocolate chip cookies. Music that makes you close your eyes and inhale it into your soul. Truth. Commit to a continual pursuit of the treasure of the present.

9) God’s always right. You’re not smarter than Him. When you doubt, obey. When you want to scream at Him, obey. When you don’t understand, obey. When you are crushed, obey. You live under the umbrella of His protection, and obedience keeps you there. Once you willfully step outside of the umbrella, to a certain extent, you’re on your own to brave the consequences that come with being exposed to the elements. He won’t leave you, but He will allow you to stand in the storm and get wet when He offered you an umbrella. Make your life better and easier. Obey.

10. There is a beautiful, beautiful grace that comes with age. It’s not as automatic as laugh lines and gray; you have to willfully submit to it. While wisdom and knowledge are accessible to you now, there is an ease that only comes from miles traveled. Savor being young but appreciate growing older. It truly can be a lovely process that leaves you feeling like a truer you than you’ve ever known. The one that God intended all along.

February

Who the hell am I?

Value. What a thing is worth.

My counselor assures me that normal people exist. Healthy people. He says there aren’t many and there are fewer by the day, but they do circulate among us. If you’re really out there, I’m sure you don’t read blogs of broken people, unless, of course, for kicks. And as an impetus for gratitude.

I guess the “normies” arrive at adulthood with their value firmly rooted in all the right things. The immovable things. The unchanging things. But my kind…we nail our value to the wind.

My mom whipped into the parking space and she and I ran into the hospital. As the oldest of her siblings, she was the second matriarch of the family, and her younger sister had been in a wreck. That’s all we knew. I perched in the scoop of a waiting room chair under the watchful eye of the security guard while my mom frantically dashed back to check on Aunt Shelby. At the height of the wiggly age, I was not a wiggly child. Ever. I sat and waited as I was told to do. Almost forty years later, I remember the security guard’s praise. I was a tiny woman-child who hung the coat of her value on the hook of pleasing others and obeying.
I was well aware as I scooted out of my desk and walked to the front of the classroom I was one of the last to complete the assignment. As I made my way up the aisle, several fellas in my class coughed in contagion and loudly whispered “Overkill” as I passed. I smiled at their customary mockery, quite undeterred in my overachieving. As a student I measured my value in terms of grades and awards and scholarships.
I anxiously rocked by Chris awaiting a nurse to appear and call my name. I had never undergone twilight anesthesia, never visited this wing of the hospital, never had a colonoscopy. Afterwards, as I wafted between dreamy places, you’ll be both delighted and disgusted to know the doctor reported everything was the picture of health and I had the cleanest colon they had ever seen. I beamed. This girl will welcome achievement in any dress it wants to wear.

That’s all fabulous while the colorful pinwheels are spinning rhythmically, but it can cause quite the ride when the wind changes. When you’ve lost the approval of others. When the breeze of favor redirects. When you’ve lost your job. When your child rebels. When your love leaves. When your house is in foreclosure. When you gain forty pounds. When you feel called to ministry and no opportunity surfaces. When your colleague gets the promotion you sought. When your child fails. When your health tanks. When you feel ostracized. When the bottom falls out of the bucket hauling our value (AND IT WILL, I DOUBLE DOG PROMISE), we are left with one question – “Who the hell am I?”

Our falsehood has to disappoint us, so it can stop cheating us. It will only be at the collapse of our propped up pretties that we’ll discover our sole value – God’s child. And that makes our value constant. Immovable and unchanging. Regardless of weight gain, abandonment, sickness, accolades, promotions, rejections – you and I have never been more or less valuable than we are right this minute. Classic cars and diamond necklaces retain their value in a world of flux, fickleness, and bipolar markets, but the absolute of our value exceeds even those rarities.

Need further convincing? It’s Jesus. Willing to bear nails through his wrists and the tops of his feet, willing to suffocate to death, willing to have your jacked up errors and mine heaped on him. That’s what we’re worth. We’re that valuable. And the world is powerless to affect it.

My kind, hear me well; our battle isn’t in establishing our value. It’s believing it.

February

What Makes A Woman Beautiful?

“ABIGAIL, GET OVER HERE THIS MINUTE! STOP RUNNING AROUND; I’VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST TIME!” Loud-Talking Angry Dad (LTAD) bellowed over the Girls department.

“YOU ARE NOT LISTENING! GO TRY THIS DRESS ON RIGHT NOW!” he continued. Yelling across the room at his child, two or three levels above the volume that was necessary to be heard. I am confident the intensity of his rant was felt several departments over.

Well…as I mentioned in this post, shopping with the youngest offspring isn’t the most fabulous. On this occasion, we were on the hunt for a Father/Daughter Dance ensemble (as was the entire population of our city), and I meant to complete our mission and skedaddle pronto. We were still scouring picked-over racks for a dress for sister when the LTAD rolled up on the scene. After suffering through a half dozen of his barks, my nerves crackled like an electric fence. He made me so anxious that I bolted with dresses and my child flapping behind me. I sought sanctuary in the Juniors department at the front of the store. I parted the clothes on a circular rack, crawled inside, parked in its center, slid the clothes back together, drew a deep breath, hid from the world, and ate a peanut butter cookie.

Okay. Not really. But that would’ve been the best.

And do you have that friend who’s always critical? Her address is in the negative space of life. All the time. If it’s sunny, it’s too hot. If the kids are playing, they’re making too much of a mess. If she loses weight, it’s not where she wanted to lose it. GEEZ! I find that I refrain from noting anything positive…knowing it’ll be dashed to the ground like an overripe watermelon. And if I’m not really mindful…I’ll start to spin my own brand of negative in her presence.

Or what about the tiny girl twirling and singing to herself, oblivious to all the world around her? Have you ever noticed how she makes you feel? How your face smiles without thought and your insides delight in her delight? How you really just want to join her?

Although it’s not something we usually think much about, we elicit a response in those around us. People feel something when they are with us. We can evoke anxiety in others like Loud-Talking Angry Dad, negativity like Critical Friend, joy like Twirling Girl, or any other feeling. And tucked away in that truth we find the residence of beauty:

A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough…A woman of true beauty is a woman who in the depths of her soul is at rest…She exudes a sense of calm, a sense of rest, and invites those around her to rest as well….A woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become. – Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge

A beautiful woman invites others to feel at peace around her. Beautiful is an easy smile. Nothing forced or fake about it. It’s a well-worn, favorite pair of jeans. It’s a drop your shoulders and breathe deeply kinda thing. It’s a woman who makes others more confident in her presence, especially her man. She is so at home in her own skin that others feel more comfortable in theirs around her. There is no striving in her that generates tension. There is no artifice that shames. In the presence of a beautiful woman our souls exhale and enjoy. This beauty looks like a tee shirt and shorts, flip flops, shades, sandy toes, and a genuine grin, whipped by wind-tossed hair. It has no weight limit and is timeless. Ageless. Beautiful is a tranquility that draws others and keeps them returning for the respite it extends. And when we allow the world to accost our rest, girls, we sacrifice the only authentic beauty we have to offer.

February

7 Ways to Effectively Pursue Your Valentine

I was struggling, pounding it out about a mile and a half in. Sweat stinging my eyes and concrete blocks for feet. My short snatches of breath weren’t cutting it, and then the worst of the worst happened on a difficult run…a slow song came up on the playlist. NOOOOOOOO! I love me some “Free” by Zac Brown, but just NOOOOOOOOOO! I had been meaning to edit the playlist but only remembered that tidbit in this very situation. Where was my Jerry Reed with some “East Bound and Down”? Or Ed with “Sing”? Though I hate to expend any energy on music wrangling while running, this was an emergent circumstance. When I looked down to scroll through the playlist, I had received a text from the hubs. And a big ‘ole ginormous smile broke out across my red splotchy face…he sent me flowers WHILE I was running. And, of course, I screenshot it because that was the coolest thing ever. And, of course, I went on to beast the rest of my run…maybe…

The past three years have been the most difficult of our sixteen year marriage; if you’re married long enough the hard years come. I know…I thought we were different too. But we aren’t. We spent most of last year in counseling, and you’ll never find greater advocates for marriage counseling than these two Cawthons right here. It may seem a little late in the game, but we learned how to love each other well. Primarily by loving Jesus more.

During this season, Chris and I have spent a lot of time studying how God loves, how he pursues, how he forgives, how he extends grace, and with his help we’re applying that to our relationship the best two jacked-up people know how to do. So, in the interest of saving you $100, some couch time, and a box of Kleenex, here’s what I’ve learned about how I (and I think it’s safe to generalize to most gals – single or married) want to be pursued.

A girl wants to be pursued…

1) With beauty. Think about how God dazzles by the ocean, with a sunset, in the mountains, through the warmth of sunshine. We are inherently wired to respond to beauty in a positive way, so intentionally add some beauty to the mix.

2) With purity. God never pursues our hearts because he wants anything from us. A woman has a sensitive radar for motives. If we ever feel “buttered up” as part of a goal – sex or any other ambition -your efforts are counterproductive. They make us feel cheap not cherished.

3) By a leader. God is the example of a strong, powerful, selfless “man” who leads with love. And, men, you need to know that a woman’s heart hungers to be led well. As John and Stasi Eldredge correctly assert in Captivating, even strong women don’t fear a man’s strength if she is confident he is a good man. According to little ole’ me, a man desiring to pursue as a leader must be pursuing Jesus at least as much or more than his lady is. I can get under that leadership all day long.

4) Personally. God doesn’t go after your heart in the same way he goes after mine. He knows me perfectly and he knows you perfectly, and he displays that by how he gets our attention. Driving the Jeep, with the top down and doors off, on a summer night, he woos me with a clear sky populated with stars aplenty and a big, bright moon. He may stir your affections for himself in a completely different way. Effective pursuit demonstrates how well you know your person, and we can just make peace with the fact…DETAILS MATTER.

5) Creatively. God employs an endless repertoire of creative pursuit. He’s not the God of rut and routine, just look at the variety in everything he ever created. We can all feel challenged by his lead to love more creatively.

6) With security. Dudes, you can never overestimate the importance of emotional and physical safety to a woman. Throughout Scripture, God clearly identifies himself as our safe place. A woman looks for security in a relationship and assurance that she can let her guard down and not be intentionally hurt.

7) Extravagantly. God is clearly the master of grand gestures. So when I think of extravagant pursuit, I’m not at all talking about dollars. I’m talking about throwing the tried and trues out the window and going with a risky BIG idea. For instance, a picnic on the beach at sunset is extravagant to me…while costing less than dinner and a movie.

So, with Valentine’s Day about a week out, ladies in the house, agree or disagree? And, fellas, what should we know about how to be “caught” and how to love our guys well? I can’t wait to hear your perspective!

January

Top 10 Ways for Packing on 20 Pounds

Weight loss is trendiest in January – when resources swell. Gyms offer membership specials; weight loss merchandise abounds, and information outlets broadcast tips and strategies for success without end. But where’s the forum for those of us with success in the other direction?

I know lots of people gain weight due to genetics, wacky thyroids, or other health issues out of their control, but some of us work hard for it the good ole’ fashioned way. We eat.

Well, for the two of you out there trying to swim against the current, allow me to share some tips from twenty plus years of yo-yo weight gain and loss. While I am in no way an expert (and have zero real deal health knowledge), I can share what has worked well for me. And may I first commend your inactivity; you are making a great start by sitting on your rump in front of the computer reading this blog.

1) Search out sodium. Bring on the soy sauce and bacon and pretzels and peanuts and fries and salt, salt, salt. So effective for creating that puffy face and those swollen hands we all covet. Retain water until you slosh when you walk, friend!

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2) Keep cookie dough in your freezer at all times. Break and bake – for emergencies! Like every day during fourth grade homework when you want to stick a fork in your eyeball.

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3) Sleep. A lot. Like way more than recommended because growing bodies need their rest.

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4) Two words for you…Little. Debbie. You know a Swiss Cake Roll always got your back. And I’d lay down my life for a Christmas tree cake.

Besties for the Resties!

5) Stress and crappy life circumstances. We’ll not laud the benefits of hardship, but let’s give credit where credit is due. Emotional eating will get you there.

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6) Drink your calories. This is the land of sweet tea and Coke (though I’m a Diet Pepsi girl myself; what can of worms have I opened up now??) We love a fru-fru coffee full of cream and flavor; venti salted caramel mocha with whip for the win. Then maybe top off the day with a nightly beverage of the fermented sort – good for the heart AND packs a caloric punch.

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7) Eat out at least once a day. This tip increases girth while decreasing bank. Double play action.

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8) Submit yourself to lots of Instagram posts of decadent food. This will actually stimulate your appetite for foods high in fat content and way overpriced. A side benefit here is the folks who post their monstrous desserts don’t generally post selfies…with good reason.

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9) Download the Krispy Kreme app that alerts you when fresh doughnuts are available…HOT NOW! Let’s observe a reverential moment of silence…

10) Cheese. Need I say more?

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Cautionary Encouragement: This is serious business here; proceed with solemnity. In my preparation for this post, I found that “[r]esearch conducted by Vanderbilt University Medical Center revealed that laughing for 10 to 15 minutes burns between 10 and 40 calories” (livestrong.com). Don’t throw away all of your hard work with belly laughter while you’re working towards your goals. You’ve got this! You’re the real MVP!

Okay, mates, any other tips for success you can add to the mix?