Marriage

There’s been an awfully lot of talk about a wall lately. And not the Pink Floyd variety. But there may be an unassailable wall much closer to home….regardless of where you live.

The one around a woman’s heart.

If there is one quality women value among each other, it’s strength. Women esteem strong women; they command our respect. There is an oft unspoken appreciation among our ilk for those who can master the juxtaposition of femininity and fortitude.

Unfortunately, we often mistake being well-fortified for being strong.

We take up brick masonry at an early age.

We are wall-builders.

This wall is our response to hurt. Father hurt, abuse, rejection, mother hurt, abandonment, loss, being devalued or objectified. Our little girl selves often lack the skills to respond to emotional trauma in a healthy way, so many of us withdraw behind a barricade camouflaged by a winning smile.

Over time our construction technologies become more sophisticated, catalyzed by more hurt until…

…there is no passage in or out.

I have been a woman living behind a wall of her own creation. I liked it there. It felt safe. Really, really safe. Until I realized I was trapped. And realized that “safe” is no way to live a life when it requires us to forfeit love and connection. Scary, scary love and connection.

So, fellas, where does that leave you and your barricaded beauty?

Well, I would send you to a military strategist who knows a little something about the destruction of walls and the capture of walled cities.

[Enter stage right, JOSHUA].

Joshua leads the Israelite army to defeat an impenetrable Jericho with the most unorthodox battle plan in the history of ever. But he is successful so we can probably learn a thing or two if we’re open to it.  I suggest reading the first six chapters of Joshua, which I’ve linked above, but I’ll give you a quick recap of what goes down:

• Chapter 1: God tells Joshua to be strong and courageous four different times; He tells him to be careful to obey God’s Word, and He tells him to get ready to take the land God has already given him. God tells Joshua in advance that he’s going to win, but he has to go fight for the land and take possession of it.
• Chapter 2: Joshua sends spies into Jericho to assess the vibe and gather intelligence.
• Chapter 3: God tells His people to “consecrate” themselves because He’s about to do some crazy amazing stuff among them. Then He tells them to cross the Jordan River at flood stage. As soon as they step in, the water stands up in a heap for all the people to cross on dry land.
• Chapter 4: While the crossing is happening, God tells them to do a curious thing. He has them remove stones from the middle of the riverbed and take them to the other side to build a monument. The monument is to remind them of that crazy amazing crossing God provided and is to be a tool for telling their children about God’s faithfulness.
• Chapter 5: THEN. God has Joshua circumcise all the men. Fun times, man. And afterwards they celebrate the Passover.
• Chapter 6: God downloads the battle plan to Joshua. They are to march around the city once each day for six days and then on the seventh they march seven times, give a long blast on the trumpets, yell, and the walls come tumbling down. They rush in, take the city, and God keeps His promise.

Following Joshua’s lead, this is where you come in…

Acknowledge that fighting for a woman’s heart is scary business.

God doesn’t keep reassuring Joshua in Chapter 1 to be encouraging; He does it, repeatedly, because Joshua is afraid. What if she rejects you? What if she thinks you’re dumb? What if she embarrasses you? Acknowledge that those concerns feel like real obstacles but don’t allow them to deter your efforts. What you stand to gain is far greater than what you may lose.

Preparation is as vital as execution. 

God tells Joshua to prepare to take the land He has given them. Dudes, this is a battle that will take time and thought and preparation. But, if the lady in question is your wife, there is no doubt her heart is a land the Lord has given you. But you may have to fight to take possession of it. Here are some ways you can prepare to win…

1. Be a good listener. Be careful to obey God’s Word. The admonition God gives Joshua applies to you.
2. Do your homework. Joshua sends the spies. You, too, need to assess the vibe and gather intelligence about your lady. Be smart.
3. Believe. Allow God to grow your faith. The crossing of the Jordan is to remind Joshua and his men that God can do what He says He can do, but they have to exercise big faith – before the battle – to believe God will come through.
4. Clean up. Consecrate yourself. God tells the army to cleanse themselves before Him, so He can work through them. “Consecrate” means to be set apart for a special task. Guys, the state of your own house is directly related to God’s willingness to work through you. To shoot straight, if you’re looking at porn or blatantly indulging other sin, you stand little to no chance of winning her heart. Even if she is totally unaware of your choices.
5. Trim down. Aggressively cut away what He says to get rid of. The significance of circumcision was that God’s people would be set apart, different, than other unbelieving people. This “cutting away” symbolized the removal of what was unnecessary. Honestly ask yourself, “What is God saying I need to remove from my life?” It may be a friend, an attitude, a hobby that detracts from your family, an addiction, an ambition or work schedule that makes you absent.
6. Celebrate good times; C’mon. Remember God’s provision and faithfulness along the way. This is the point of the stones from the Jordan’s riverbed and the celebration of Passover. Before we have to take a giant step of faith, our courage is bolstered by remembering all the ways God has provided and kept His promises in the past. Intentionally, remind yourself and commemorate God’s faithfulness to you personally as you diligently pursue the heart of your gal.

Follow the battle plan.

Do what He says. Because He will tell you how to crumble the wall. A walled city was extremely difficult to conquer; it usually took a long time. The attacker would often cut the supply of provisions to the city and wait to starve out the inhabitants. And this usually happened with great casualty to the outside force. That’s not how this went for Joshua. He conquered the city in record time with what, by all standards, was a foolish and silly plan. He will tell you how to dismantle the wall around your lady’s heart, but you have to be willing to follow the plan. Even if it seems foolish and silly and ill-advised.

And if all of this feels too daunting and heavy, according to John Eldridge, this is the kind of stuff you were made for. In his book, Wild at Heart, he asserts men are built with three desires; men want a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. He and his wife, Stasi, also attribute three innate desires to women; women want to be fought for, to share an adventure, and a beauty to unveil.

Culture likes to harp on the differences between men and women, baiting a continual gender battle. However, I am struck by the complementary nature of our desires; in this I see a divine design, an image of how we are meant to thrive in relationship with each other.

So, good fellow, you were made for this.

…and may the walls come tumbling down.

If you’d like to read more, you can check out a post about my time behind the wall, my thoughts on how a woman wants to be pursued, and the most popular post on our blog, Passive Men and Overbearing Women.

This post was originally published for Valentine’s Day 2015. Enjoy!

I was struggling, pounding it out about a mile and a half in. Sweat stinging my eyes and concrete blocks for feet. My short snatches of breath weren’t cutting it, and then the worst of the worst happened on a difficult run…a slow song came up on the playlist.  NOOOOOOOO! I love me some “Free” by Zac Brown, but just NOOOOOOOOOO! I had been meaning to edit the playlist but only remembered that tidbit in this very situation. Where was my Jerry Reed with some “East Bound and Down”? Or Ed with “Sing”? Though I hate to expend any energy on music wrangling while running, this was an emergent circumstance. When I looked down to scroll through the playlist, I had received a text from my husband. And a big ‘ole ginormous smile broke out across my red splotchy face…he sent me flowers WHILE I was running. And, of course, I screenshot it because that was the coolest thing ever. And, of course, I went on to beast the rest of my run…maybe…

The past three years have been the most difficult of our sixteen year marriage; if you’re married long enough the hard years come. I know…I thought we were different too. But we aren’t. We spent most of last year in counseling, and you’ll never find greater advocates for marriage counseling than these two Cawthons right here. It may seem a little late in the game, but we learned how to love each other well. Primarily by loving Jesus more.

During this season, Chris and I have spent a lot of time studying how God loves, how he pursues, how he forgives, how he extends grace, and with his help we’re applying that to our relationship the best two jacked-up people know how to do. So, in the interest of saving you $100, some couch time, and a box of Kleenex, here’s what I’ve learned about how I (and I think it’s safe to generalize to most gals – single or married) want to be pursued.

A girl wants to be pursued…

1) With beauty. Think about how God dazzles by the ocean, with a sunset, in the mountains, through the warmth of sunshine. We are inherently wired to respond to beauty in a positive way, so intentionally add some beauty to the mix.

2) With purity. God never pursues our hearts because he wants anything from us. A woman has a sensitive radar for motives. If we ever feel “buttered up” as part of a goal – sex or any other ambition – your efforts are counterproductive. They make us feel cheap not cherished.

3) By a leader. God is the example of a strong, powerful, selfless “man” who leads with love. And, men, you need to know that a woman’s heart hungers to be led well. As John and Stasi Eldredge correctly assert in Captivating, even strong women don’t fear a man’s strength if she is confident he is a good man. According to little ole’ me, a man desiring to pursue as a leader must be pursuing Jesus at least as much or more than his lady is. I can get under that leadership all day long.

4) Personally. God doesn’t go after your heart in the same way he goes after mine. He knows me perfectly and he knows you perfectly, and he displays that by how he gets our attention. Driving the Jeep, with the top down and doors off, on a summer night, he woos me with a clear sky populated with stars aplenty and a big, bright moon. He may stir your affections for himself in a completely different way. Effective pursuit demonstrates how well you know your person, and we can just make peace with the fact…DETAILS MATTER.

5) Creatively. God employs an endless repertoire of creative pursuit.  He’s not the God of rut and routine, just look at the variety in everything he ever created. We can all feel challenged by his lead to love more creatively.

6) With security. Dudes, you can never overestimate the importance of emotional and physical safety to a woman. Throughout Scripture, God clearly identifies himself as our safe place. A woman looks for security in a relationship and assurance that she can let her guard down and not be intentionally hurt.

7) Extravagantly. God is clearly the master of grand gestures. So when I think of extravagant pursuit, I’m not at all talking about dollars. I’m talking about throwing the tried and trues out the window and going with a risky BIG idea. For instance, a picnic on the beach at sunset is extravagant to me…while costing less than dinner and a movie.

Ladies in the house, agree or disagree? And, fellas, what should we know about how to be “caught” and how to love our guys well? I can’t wait to hear your perspective! Don’t forget to enter the Tenacious Grace Valentine’s Day Giveaway; three (3) winners will be announced tomorrow!