Marriage | Cookie Cawthon | product of a tenacious grace

September

Passive Men & Overbearing Women

marriage

Chris and I have made no secret of our marriage struggles; we feel we are to steward that season with transparency to share hope and Jesus through it.

If you are trying to do marriage without Jesus, we are concerned. There is nothing natural about marriage – two independent, selfish people living together for fifty or so years, raising needy, dependent children amid the stress of scrapping out a life together. Its only hope is the supernatural. We shouldn’t at all be surprised by the state of marriage. Even Christian couples who take their eyes off Jesus – even briefly – can and do easily end up in a ditch. We are convinced Jesus is the ONLY hope for a healthy marriage that lasts. We don’t think it’s possible any other way.

The fact that Chris Cawthon and I are still married is the work of Jesus.

Only.

Jesus.

We’ve been married seventeen years, and we spent a year in Christian counseling (individually and as a couple). We want all marriages to win, and we’re not afraid to tell you we sucked it up real good before we discovered what God intended for us all along.

Chris emerged from the fray with a dogged fervor for the restoration of manhood – particularly in the church. So much so that he’s hosting M*A*R*C*H, a real-talk event for men only, next week (Thursday, September 10). We are both committed to facilitating honest conversation between men and women to help couples succeed in their relationships.

Let’s dive in….shall we?

Fellas, hear me……..We women want you to be men! We want you to lead. We need you to love Jesus more than you love us. And we need you to find your validation in Him. That’s a weight we cannot bear.

Duty and obligation aren’t your best looks. Neither is bully.

Jesus looks good on you.

Adventure looks good on you.

Laughter is dashing.

Leadership looks strong on you. And we need you to know, if there is a leadership vacuum in our relationship….we’ll fill it. Even though that’s not supposed to be our role. And deep down, we really don’t want to.

And if your idea of leadership focuses on the Biblical command for wives to submit more than you take seriously your mandate to serve, your definition of leadership is inaccurate. Jesus is the example. In fact, Dr. Tony Evans says, “[w]hen a husband refuses the authority of Christ and attempts to follow his own way, he forfeits any expectation of submission from his wife” (I’m still testing that against Truth, but he makes a compelling point).

We want you to be our safe place. Even though we sabotage that by hurting you. In response to being hurt by you.

We want to feel fought for.

And we care about feeling beautiful….even if we say we don’t.

We want you to regularly plan dates – arranging the sitter and making the decisions. We want you to create space and time and quiet for us to invest in our sanity and our souls. Your forethought and intentionality make us feel loved and led well.

_____________

Ladies, I love you. You’re my people. But we bear a responsibility for the state of our relationships that I don’t feel we accept. We’re pretty good at being blamers [rolling of eyes, pointing of fingers].

When we treat our men like one of our children, we are out of line.

And whether we know it or not, if our husbands “do what we tell them,” it makes us sad in the inmost closet of our hearts. Because we are standing in a role God never intended us to fill.

So if you want your man to lead, get out of his spot.

When we bark and sneer at him publicly, when we disrespect him in front of our children, or even in private, we emasculate him. There is no more grievous offense against a man.

We also dishonor the Lord with our contempt. Which puts us in a scary place before Him (Psalm 111:10).

Our guys want us to know they are often haunted by a fear of failure. And when we aren’t their biggest fans, we hurt them in a way no one else in the world has the opportunity to do. AND, we need to know they become more susceptible to the attention of someone who may cheer them on.

Victimhood doesn’t look good on us. Insolence is not in style. Chris is not driving home thinking, “Man, I hope Cookie is frazzled and tyrannical when I get there.”

Girls, I do not minimize the difficulty of raising young kiddos. I know showering is a legit struggle, but if we are not trading childcare with a friend, forking out some dollars for a sitter, or asking nearby relatives or the husband to watch the children so we can recharge, we don’t get to complain. In fact, we are often given to a martyr-complex, and we need to knock it off.

You are a woman before you are a wife or a mother. Your identity isn’t in either of those roles. Your identity is only secure in Jesus.

_____________

This is hard business, people. This kind of talk isn’t much fun, but hopefully it pushes the ball forward and can possibly serve as a conversation starter in your marriage.

[Feature image: Valentina Mabilia]

February

7 Ways to Effectively Pursue Your Valentine

I was struggling, pounding it out about a mile and a half in. Sweat stinging my eyes and concrete blocks for feet. My short snatches of breath weren’t cutting it, and then the worst of the worst happened on a difficult run…a slow song came up on the playlist. NOOOOOOOO! I love me some “Free” by Zac Brown, but just NOOOOOOOOOO! I had been meaning to edit the playlist but only remembered that tidbit in this very situation. Where was my Jerry Reed with some “East Bound and Down”? Or Ed with “Sing”? Though I hate to expend any energy on music wrangling while running, this was an emergent circumstance. When I looked down to scroll through the playlist, I had received a text from the hubs. And a big ‘ole ginormous smile broke out across my red splotchy face…he sent me flowers WHILE I was running. And, of course, I screenshot it because that was the coolest thing ever. And, of course, I went on to beast the rest of my run…maybe…

The past three years have been the most difficult of our sixteen year marriage; if you’re married long enough the hard years come. I know…I thought we were different too. But we aren’t. We spent most of last year in counseling, and you’ll never find greater advocates for marriage counseling than these two Cawthons right here. It may seem a little late in the game, but we learned how to love each other well. Primarily by loving Jesus more.

During this season, Chris and I have spent a lot of time studying how God loves, how he pursues, how he forgives, how he extends grace, and with his help we’re applying that to our relationship the best two jacked-up people know how to do. So, in the interest of saving you $100, some couch time, and a box of Kleenex, here’s what I’ve learned about how I (and I think it’s safe to generalize to most gals – single or married) want to be pursued.

A girl wants to be pursued…

1) With beauty. Think about how God dazzles by the ocean, with a sunset, in the mountains, through the warmth of sunshine. We are inherently wired to respond to beauty in a positive way, so intentionally add some beauty to the mix.

2) With purity. God never pursues our hearts because he wants anything from us. A woman has a sensitive radar for motives. If we ever feel “buttered up” as part of a goal – sex or any other ambition -your efforts are counterproductive. They make us feel cheap not cherished.

3) By a leader. God is the example of a strong, powerful, selfless “man” who leads with love. And, men, you need to know that a woman’s heart hungers to be led well. As John and Stasi Eldredge correctly assert in Captivating, even strong women don’t fear a man’s strength if she is confident he is a good man. According to little ole’ me, a man desiring to pursue as a leader must be pursuing Jesus at least as much or more than his lady is. I can get under that leadership all day long.

4) Personally. God doesn’t go after your heart in the same way he goes after mine. He knows me perfectly and he knows you perfectly, and he displays that by how he gets our attention. Driving the Jeep, with the top down and doors off, on a summer night, he woos me with a clear sky populated with stars aplenty and a big, bright moon. He may stir your affections for himself in a completely different way. Effective pursuit demonstrates how well you know your person, and we can just make peace with the fact…DETAILS MATTER.

5) Creatively. God employs an endless repertoire of creative pursuit. He’s not the God of rut and routine, just look at the variety in everything he ever created. We can all feel challenged by his lead to love more creatively.

6) With security. Dudes, you can never overestimate the importance of emotional and physical safety to a woman. Throughout Scripture, God clearly identifies himself as our safe place. A woman looks for security in a relationship and assurance that she can let her guard down and not be intentionally hurt.

7) Extravagantly. God is clearly the master of grand gestures. So when I think of extravagant pursuit, I’m not at all talking about dollars. I’m talking about throwing the tried and trues out the window and going with a risky BIG idea. For instance, a picnic on the beach at sunset is extravagant to me…while costing less than dinner and a movie.

So, with Valentine’s Day about a week out, ladies in the house, agree or disagree? And, fellas, what should we know about how to be “caught” and how to love our guys well? I can’t wait to hear your perspective!

December

The difference 365 days & Jesus can make…

The difference 365 days & Jesus can make. Last Christmas was the worst for us. We were both jobless and living in a tiny rental. We had lived in four houses in 16 months, and our marriage was in a bad place. I was at the bottom of a well of despair and depression; all I heard was darkness. All I tasted was darkness. And in it, I turned away from God – told him to take his hand off my life or let me die. Chris was crushed by the weight of providing for us. Security for us. Stability. A livelihood. He felt the weight of keeping our entire family afloat when we were all barely snatching gasps of air.

While some of our lowest points occurred in 2014, slowly but surely the Lord began to administer healing. And not only that…JOY! Peace. Forgiveness. A love and a passion and an insight that is purely beautiful. Our marriage, our children, and both of us are thriving like never before. So much so that Christmas 2014 has been our best one yet!

And if this Christmas has been difficult, keep breathing – even when you don’t want to and He gives you no choice – ’cause He is faithful. Even when we aren’t. Merry, Merry Christmas to you from the Cawthon Clan! #OnlyJesus

February

With Love

Contrary to what you might think, love is a super difficult topic to delve into. After all, people have been writing about it since the beginning of time. What could lil’ ole me have to add to the conversation? Nothing new, I’m afraid, but maybe some observations from my own experiences. I won’t be taking you down some flowery path of feelings because I think that’s the aspect of love that gets the most attention but is the least reliable.

I think love is a choice, a promise, an act. It is selfless and honest and protective. I think it tastes like ooey gooey chocolate chip cookies snatched from the oven before they are completely cooked. I think it feels like fuzzy, comfy socks on a cold afternoon and warm air from the heater vent blowing up the back of my shirt as I sit on the floor and struggle to awaken on a winter’s morning. It sounds like a Jack Johnson song that’s fun and light and a little sassy. It smells like the thick aroma of comfort food that just wraps itself around you as you walk in the door of Momma’s house. It looks like a wide smile. That’s love to me.

My husband and I have been together twelve years, and don’t get me wrong. I’ve got some mad love vibes going on for my man; we’ve got feelings o’ plenty for each other. But I would argue that we feel that way because we regularly (if not always daily) choose to honor, respect, and serve each other – maybe even when we don’t feel like it. In his profession, Chris drives around two hundred miles or more a day. After his last call is made, he is ready to arrive home as soon as possible. As he nears his destination – more times than not – he will stop at a convenience stop and buy me a cold 20 ounce Diet Pepsi (I have an insatiable appetite for those things). Now I would offer a super healthy wager that he doesn’t feel like stopping to do that, but he chooses to, and that communicates love to me in a giant way.

I also think love is a promise to choose me even when I am most unlovable, which is more often than I care to admit. To me, there has to be a component of security and commitment in love that says, “I dig you – warts and all!” I take promises seriously, and I need love to assure me that it will stick around, that it can be trusted, that it is constant and unwavering, that it will not be offended by my bed head and morning breath, that it will persevere through PMS, and that it will look unafraid into the face of any emotional, irrational, hysterical behavior that I may exhibit on any given day (feel like I need to ask for an Amen after that one). It also means that I offer that same promise in the other direction; I will choose to love and respect him even when he works too late or leaves clothes tossed on the floor or when he disappoints me or when he’s just having an off day.

Lest you get the wrong impression, I am in no way claiming to be a super wife. Aiming to be one? Yes. We scrap like the best of ‘em, but there is safety even in our marital misunderstandings because we are committed to the promise.

Love is an act on behalf of the other. Sometimes I can pass on the last 100 Calorie chocolate snack in the pantry just so Chris can enjoy it later (but passing on a 100 Calorie Twinkie is out of the question, just so you know). Seriously, I have never met anyone more selfish than I am, but I am consciously trying to act on his behalf in more instances – to act in his best interest – to put his needs and wants before my own. So hard! Can we say, “I am woman, hear me rationalize”? I try so hard sometimes to justify why I need to gratify my own wants and needs, but my lines are always so lame. I can try to keep the girls out of the living room so he can watch some Clemson football, or I can understand that he just wants to go outside and bond with our grass on Saturday mornings during the spring. Whenever I can beat back my own selfishness, I can express love to him through my actions.

Love is selfless.

Love is sometimes painfully honest. Chris and I have become interested in examining the differences between men and women, the similarities and differences between us as individuals, and in better understanding how God wired each of us. We are currently reading companion books (For Women Only and For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn) as we continue to study each other, and our research has generated a lot of healthy (albeit uncomfortable) conversation about temptations and frustrations and disappointments and needs. We have evaluated each other as partners, discussing strengths and areas for improvement, and that type of honest communication has better equipped us to guard our marriage in a culture that rages against it.

And you can believe nothing raises the hair on my neck like somebody slammin’ my guy. That’ll draw out sharpened claws, a neck roll, and three snaps in a minute. That’s because love is protective. He protects me, and I him, but more importantly, we are diligently protective of us.

I hope that we are never so arrogant to believe that our relationship is safe, impervious to the daily erosion that can occur. Honestly, we’re just trying to keep it real as we pursue our own happily ever after.

July

Lone Cypress, Warped Time, Shocked Hair & Other Bizarreness

Not too much coherent thinkin’ goin’ on at this address, so I’m just totally spilling what’s in my brain…

Lone Cypress at Pebble Beach: This is my favorite pic from vacation, and the deer is my second fave.

My hair loved Cali, but it totally freaked out when we got home. It went into shock; it had an allergic reaction; it totally weirded out on me on Saturday. It was crunchy and sick – the texture of pine straw and insulation combined. Guess it was doing its own decompressing from the trip. Chris’ did the same and after ample dousing with conditioner; it’s on the mend.

Campbell is sportin’ a mysterious high fever and runny nose. Any word on the street about what delightful ailment is circlin’ these days?

Chris and I are still living in the Pacific time zone – up until 1:00-2:00 am and sleeping until 10:00, and now the girls are on it too. Screwy… Chris ran smack into Eastern time this morning as he had to return to work, but I haven’t quite figured out how to fix life for me and the girls, especially given Campbell’s current situation.

I highly recommend Kit Kittredge: An American Girl. About a year and a half ago Carson chose Kit as the American 100_0355 Girl doll she most resembles, so Kit has been part of our life for a while now. We’ve bought coordinating outfits, bought some of her furniture and accessories, and read some of her books. We saw the movie yesterday, and it’s a great family movie – very well done and eerily relevant (Kit lives during the Great Depression) as our economy continues to tank. Thought it was covertly educational and eye-opening for Carson. Kit is not a girly girl at all; she wants to be a reporter and she and her friends solve a town mystery. She has a couple of friends who are boys, so older boys may enjoy the movie too although it is not an action kinda deal. We may even go see it again at the theater, and we will definitely purchase it when it becomes available. Do take my rave in proper context though; we have been enjoying Kit for a while and have long anticipated the movie…

I bought The Shack by William P Young on Saturday. Anybody read it? I’m so interested to dive in to this most controversial novel, but I have to admit that I’m afraid to begin it. I know what happens in the beginning, and I’m not too jazzed about going there – particularly right before I go to sleep (which is when I normally do some reading). Trying to muster up the courage to open the front cover…

I think I have bum luck with I-pods. My first one lasted for two years and died the week before the longest race I’ve ever run. I could not go the distance without my oft-perfected playlist, so we bought a new one – in February. Now this one is intermittently working. I restored it tonight (erased everything off to try again). I’m wondering if I may be unwittingly damaging them. Don’t know what to make of it really…

I’m takin’ my fried brain and hair to bed; night, night…