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“Answers to our prayers can be like stray puzzle pieces. When God doesn’t deliver on a request, we can look at His answer in isolation and be confused by its wonky shape.”
Excited about having this article published on the NewSpring blog; you can read it in its entirety by following this link – What Do I Do with God’s No?
I am presently weaning myself. After sixteen months on an anti-depressant, I am gradually stepping down my dosage and on schedule to be done within the month. I am nervous. But I have no hesitance about reintroducing the meds if things go south, and I have no expectation that I won’t need them again in another season.
I vividly remember hanging out with three close friends almost ten years ago when I first encountered the dilemma of a depressed Christian. My friend was asking for prayer for her depression, and I was thoroughly baffled. I had no context for depression among God’s promises. He promises peace….so how does that work? I didn’t know how to pray or how to help, and I loved her and knew her to be a godly woman who had given her life to ministry. I was spiritually perplexed.
Since then I have ministered to and loved on depressed people on a regular basis; even so, I didn’t “get it” – in the same way I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer. To be quite candid, it was relegated to the “Depression Sucks and I’m Glad It’s Not Me” box in my brain. That’s what I knew about it…
Until I found myself trapped miles down the darkest, deepest well. It was damp with hopelessness and poisoned with lies that echoed all day every day. We’re not talking feeling blue; I’m talking unable to function. Begging to die. Hating my body’s involuntary response to keep drawing breath. A heavy, wet blanket of despair pinned me to the ground – trying to stand under it was futile and took every measure of energy I could muster.
I’m not sure when my depression actually began… In a matter of eight months, we moved to a new city; we left family, a tight-knit support system, and a ministry and team I loved leading. My Nana died, and Chris and I both began working the same ministry schedule. We lived in three houses (building one) with 90% of our belongings in storage the entire eight months. Our girls struggled with anxiety, and the youngest was diagnosed with a learning disability. I prepared daily, with a weighty and ever-present looming, for the largest speaking opportunity of my life (almost 15,000 people), and my otherwise healthy husband suffered a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage with a three-day ICU stay. Top that with lots of changes at work, no investment into building a support system, and no request for help.
At some point, I quit. My insides gave up, and I became very angry with God. Not because of the hardship as much as the fact that I couldn’t hear Him in it. I couldn’t see Him or feel Him, and that had never been the case in twenty-five years of following. I couldn’t pray; I couldn’t focus on anything I read in the Bible. I saw Him doing wonders all around and experienced none of my own. All I wanted was to know He hadn’t abandoned me. My head knew Joshua 1:5, yet, I had never felt more alone. I rebelled. I begged Him to take His Hand off my life. So, whether my depression began before or after my rejection of God, my difficult circumstances and my spiritual defiance made for a harrowing tangle with darkness.
I’ve spent the past year healing. I’ve asked the Lord to forgive me a million times although it was only necessary once. He has been the most gracious and tender, and I know with the greatest degree of certainty all I needed to do was ask for help. I think he wanted to be seen and heard and felt in my circumstances through other compassionate, godly believers. Again, my head knew I needed people but a quiet arrogance in my soul suggested I did not.
My plight became harder to conceal as my emotional state would deteriorate from composed to unprovoked-weeping-mess in seconds – regardless of whether I was in the public library, at work, at Target, or in my bedroom. I have legitimately cried in more public places than I care to recount. I eventually found myself unraveling before my doctor who diagnosed my depression, prescribed my meds, and recommended counseling, so I attended weekly Christian counseling for a solid year. Today I love differently because of depression. I love and know Jesus in a way that I couldn’t have without it. My affection and desire for people to thrive as believers is a white-hot passion again. Depression can be a gift.
And I’m not the only one who thinks so. A few days ago on Facebook, I posted this:
Almost 15% of my Facebook friends boldly admitted they are believers who have struggled with depression. IT’S A REAL THING. And some of those friends were willing to share from their experiences with depression here:
Some people don’t get it – and that’s okay! Perhaps they think that depression and Christianity are incongruent. I’ve literally wanted to clock good-intentioned (I choose to believe) people for telling me, “Just trust in the Lord.” Ya think?! Hell yeah, I trust in the Lord. That’s the only thing keeping me from drowning. When depression strikes, I am desperately clinging to the promise he made that ALL things work for the good of those who love him. Otherwise, I seriously couldn’t go on. – Michelle Keiffer
I was going through a divorce and thought the world was coming to an end even though it was for the best. I finally “woke up” one day and made the conscious decision to make myself change because I was headed towards what I thought was a way to stop the pain. That is when I started attending a singles Sunday school group and church again. Not to mention, I had some help from medicine, but that only went so far. One Sunday morning the subject came up about depression, and I just started talking. I then realized how many other people suffer from it too. I honestly believe that through talking, seeking professional help, and talking to God, it makes all the difference in the world. I had my suicide planned out. Thank God I never acted on my plan. – Wayne Cawthon
As an adult, after the birth of my first child, I dealt with postpartum depression. I think that between having a new baby, moving to another state and losing my grandmother (to whom I was very close) all within 5 months was just a lot for me to deal with. Then, after the birth of our second daughter, postpartum reared its ugly head again! I knew I needed to get help when I would find myself driving to the grocery store, knowing we needed food, but completely unable to focus on making an actual list. Day-to-day things seemed extremely hard to make happen. I ended up seeing my medical doctor and getting started on medication. Just saying yes to medicine was incredibly difficult for me; I remember saying to my husband, “I have lots of faith; why isn’t God taking this from me?” I struggled with whether it was a lack of faith and that was painful! When the right medicine started reversing my inability to function like normal, I knew there was more to it than my belief system. I was on medicine for about 2 years and eventually was able to come off of it. – Jennifer Danford
I’ve struggled with depression my entire life, but since I met Jesus in 2010, it still hasn’t gone away. From almost losing my house twice to foreclosure, to going from my phone ringing nonstop to having absolutely zero friends, to our most recent struggle of trying to get pregnant, it is SO hard to rely on the Lord’s promise that He is a good Father who only wants good things for his children. As a leader of a group of women, I always felt I had to have it all together until it hit me that being vulnerable with them allows them to share their own struggles which is where we have seen the most growth. What started as one D-Group in Florence with 7 women has grown into 3 separate groups with over 25 women. Although my depression is real and it is something I continue to struggle with on a daily basis, I have people that I can share my struggles with and a supportive husband, but most importantly, I have realized that the Lord didn’t allow me to struggle with depression because He doesn’t love me or by accident, but to only bring Him more glory! – Carmen Smith
I have struggled since my late teen years. I always prayed that God would take me home because I never felt like I belonged here. I thought about suicide all the time. I am on medication for depression now, and I am seeing a wonderful Christian counselor. He has helped me see myself as God sees me – not how I feel. We need to know who we are in Him and that He has a purpose and a destiny for us. Depression is one way the enemy will try to stop us from being who God created us to be. – Jill Hindman
My biggest problem concerning depression was how I talked to myself. I was my worst enemy. Depression medication, for me, was just a band-aid. I had to retrain my mind to be my own advocate, my best cheerleader; over time and with practice I slowly got better. I still fall, but now I have the tools to bounce back. The understanding that I’m God’s child and that he has great plans for me is part of my mantra. – Jonathan Bumgarner
I want to begin by reassuring you this girl’s walk in Christ is a work in progress, but I grew to recognize his love and presence in my life more through this experience than any other. I was a mess and often felt like death would be easier. I lost my appetite, could not sleep and had difficulty even doing the basics to take care of myself, much less Lila who was two. She was the only reason I reached out for help. I prayed for insight and guidance from Him and found answers in unexpected places, my dreams. He showed himself to me in the most beautiful way, not only giving me the reassurance I’d asked for, but showing me that he truly knows and loves me more intimately than anyone could. I will bloom again and I can’t wait to see what he has planned. – Holly Morrison
Having depression as a Christian has been a mystery to me. I don’t know why I suffered with it, and I don’t know why I sometimes battle with it still. I’ve learned that it’s not always easy to see Jesus in a storm, but the truth of the matter is, he is there with me regardless. I found help through prayer, counseling (pastoral and professional) and the general love of people who showed me Jesus’ love through these seasons. Thankfully, with a continued trust that God has His best for me, and with people around who also want the best for me, I’ve been able to win more and more of these battles. – Bridget Hillier-Vogel
Jesus loves me this I know… but wow, it was hard to remember that when I was struggling with depression. I didn’t really even love myself very much those days. Even activities I completed every day were nearly impossible…making the bed, cooking dinner, going to work. Eventually, the depression lifted. I know Jesus was there the whole time, but sometimes it was hard to remember in the midst of it all. – Mandy Orzechowski
I have dealt with depression since I was 21…becoming a Christ-follower doesn’t cure this widespread disease. We can survive anything if we can see the end in sight but depression/anxiety is so relentless that it makes seeing the end hard. Depression is a cancer that only our faith and being able to receive grace can bring us through. – Billy Isgett
Depression is genetic or hormonal for me. I tried to fix it spiritually for years until my husband and doctor “tricked me” into taking meds I thought were for something else. Cured! Except I have to stay on meds. I am not ashamed of it now. – Vicki Dixon
My parents divorced when I was a freshman in college and two years later, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was mad at cancer and totally pissed at God. Why my mom? Then as I mourned my mother’s passing, my father and I had a huge falling out. I crashed into a dark hole. Then came depression, weight gain, moving to a new city… I felt hopeless. A smile was on the outside but inside I was a total mess. Through church family and medicine (yes, I love my happy pills) and lots of love and acceptance, I understand God was not punishing me. I am no longer pissed, no longer in a lonely abandoned state. My relationship with my father is great, my soul is free of pain and I give all the thanks to God for his grace..but, boy, it was a hard road! – Tiffany Freeman
“I’m educated. Smart. A strong Christian. I shouldn’t be depressed. Snap out of it!” These are the words I continued to tell myself but it didn’t work. I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of the spiraling darkness that was overwhelming me. It was like there were two parts to my mind: the educated, logical self that knew that God was in control and that I was fine and the dark, bottomless pit of sadness that I couldn’t understand. It was illogical. Through therapy and many methods of learning how to communicate my fears and stressors, I was able to get a handle on my depression. I am able to see now that I don’t have to have it all together. It has made my faith stronger because I was able to research and lean on God when I had no control over myself. Depression is illogical. You can’t talk yourself out of it or snap back to your old self. It takes time, help, others, and lots of prayer! – Gina Lee
It started when I got my first rejection letter from the nursing program. Then came the constant weight problems. I would lose weight and gain weight. I just felt alone and like I couldn’t talk to anybody about anything because I didn’t want to be judged. So many nights I would come home and bask in my own sorrow, crying myself to sleep. Then I started to really dig deep to find out what this was….I was depressed. I started going to a small group and then I started feeling better because there were other people who really did have this same problem with despair and depression! I applied to the FDTC nursing program and was accepted. Now I am back on track (and did I mention losing weight?) and have made it to the second semester of nursing school. – Thomas Blackmon
I experienced extreme depression eight years ago. I fell apart at the seams, totally and completely. I cried out to the Lord. As a matter of fact, I cried, and cried and cried. Eventually, my family doctor got involved and suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I resisted for a long time. I’m a Christian, I thought, I don’t need a psychiatrist. But I didn’t get any better. I was put on medication (these medicines were changed several times in an effort to find the right one). I attended group therapy classes and heard others share their struggle with depression. It took about a year for me to get back to my old self, and there were several things I learned along the way. My God is faithful; never have I felt any closer to him than I did during this low point in my life. Jesus was my friend and confidante during the whole process. My old opinion of “For goodness sake, just shake it off!” is gone. Also, my feelings that I was not a good Christian if I needed drugs and counseling were dispelled; God uses doctors to help heal mental illnesses just like he uses doctors to help heal physical illnesses. Finally, I showed my family that it’s not only right to ask for help – it’s essential (suicide was not foreign to my thoughts), that you don’t have to be ashamed, and that you are not alone. – Yvonne Rhodes
I have been dealing with depression since high school. Most of my friends would say I joked around a lot and was funny. However, I hid my sadness behind a mask. I’ve tried to commit suicide because I grew up unloved, not having anyone, and I thought I would be better off. It took a long time to figure out that God has a plan for me, and I’m trying to live my life according to the Bible. Am I cured? No. Am I better? Yes. Everyday is a journey, and I will make it! – Robert Rackley
I have been battling depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. And I do mean battling! I think the hardest thing for me during these dark times has been feeling all alone, even with friends and family around. People just don’t understand…I would have close Christian friends ask:
- “Why can’t you be happy? Just choose to be happy!”
- “I don’t think you need to take medication because it is all in your head!”
- “You just need a better relationship with God!”
I remember walking away each time thinking, “What the heck was that? Am I just crazy?? God is the only One getting me through this…helping me get up every day and giving me the courage to fight and live my life!” My favorite question from someone who has never struggled with depression is “So, how does the medication make you feel?” I looked at them and said, “I don’t know…like you, I guess.” I know they genuinely cared, but it always made me sink deeper into the black hole of depression…second guess everything…especially friendships and trust! I stopped letting people get too close and didn’t fully trust the ones I did let in…including my loving husband! My hope is that anyone struggling with depression and/or anxiety will know that they are not alone during these times in their life. I have to remind myself God is in control and He carries me through the dark times and walks beside me during the good times. I have to trust and rely on him for everything…He is my LIGHT! And even though I still struggle, finding my own peace in the fact that I am exactly who God intended me to be has given me the strength to fight even harder! And just maybe my purpose is to give someone else a little hope! – Kaci Chapman
I’m not trying to write a medical post on depression, and I’m not knowledgeable or brave enough to take on a theological discussion of depression, but as a believer, in the company of other real deal believers who struggle with depression, I do think we can glean some nuggets of truth from our common experiences:
And then there was that day I caught on fire. That Sunday morning began like any other. We were dressing for church when Chris received a call that the Sunday School teacher was ill; as the class director Chris was responsible for securing a substitute. Fast forward an hour and a half and I was standing before our class with a boulder-sized lump in my throat, fighting a wave of nausea. I was a Bible-knowledge neophyte who quaked with insecurity about answering questions each week. “What if I answer incorrectly and they think I’m an idiot,” I cowed, embarrassed by how little I knew of the Bible. I stood in to teach that day only because I was an English teacher and had some experience in whipping together a lesson plan (not that I ever threw together a lesson on the fly or anything…;-)). As I spoke on generosity that morning – more than a decade ago – I burst into flames. My insides combusted, and I discovered my passion in life. And no one was more surprised than me.
If I could do anything for the rest of my wake-ups, I would travel and teach groups of people about God’s character and his faithfulness. There is no decadent meal, no shopping experience, no travel itinerary, no spa treatment, no adventure that provides an experience that’s within ten miles of what happens in me when I have the opportunity to share what God has done for me. Since that cinder block room, I have had the opportunity to share from Psalm 139 at a water tank dedication in a remote area of Kenya, to write and lead several local Bible studies, to speak at my church on a Sunday morning, to teach at a women’s conference and church in Germany, to address groups here in the Pee Dee, and to crack open my Bible at a homeless shelter and in our local jail. It’s what I was made to do.
We all have that thing. That thing we disappear into. It may sound ridiculously bizarre, but I can stand on stage in front of hundreds of people and feel invisible. Less aware of myself and less self-conscious than I am in one-on-one conversations. It is purpose – raw and pure, independent of me.
And if you haven’t identified your “thing” yet, here are seven truths to expect as you go exploring…
1) It will be a discovery process. I wasn’t looking to be a Sunday School teacher. Had the department passed around a sign-up sheet, I wouldn’t have volunteered. I was a high school teacher; I had a degree in Education Administration. I wanted to be a district superintendent who drove a motorcycle to work. And I wanted to be a mom. I served in the nursery at church. And organized childcare for our women’s ministry. I found my “thing” by trying lots of things – even winging a lesson on God’s generosity. My purpose was tucked in a last-minute opportunity that I had 99 reasons not to take.
2) It will not go at all as you expect. Our purpose is usually not a title or a position. It’s a passion with wheels. It’ll take us through many seasons, organizations, and roles, but it will remain unchanged. Once I determined my thing, I was confident that meant I would lead a women’s ministry at a church. Well, sixteen years into pursuing this passion, I have had the honor of serving in amazing staff and volunteer roles, and not one of them has been leading a women’s ministry at a church.
3) It will require you to do scary things. Things that people will criticize. Things that seem crazy. If you are unwilling to do things that terrify you, there is a high likelihood your purpose will go unrealized.
4) There will be a wait involved. Once you have unearthed the thing that sets you aflame, you will have to wait on an opportunity to do it. And you will hate it. Every minute of it. And you will whine. But the purpose of the wait is preparation. Mainly, your preparation. So get to it already…and stop trying to circumvent the process.
5) It can easily become an obsession. I know not everyone’s purpose is full-time ministry, but because it is mine, I can speak to it best. I have met more people who have made an idol of ministry than I can possibly count. Including myself. When we experience the rush of doing what we love, we want more and more. But if we allow it to become a preoccupation, we upset the healthy balance required to be successful at anything.
6) You will have to believe in it when it looks absolutely impossible. This is where dreams die. The fulfillment of your “thing” will at some point seem completely unattainable. And maybe at multiple points in the journey. This is where you prove your mettle. Will you still get up every morning, pulling your hope and faith up by their bootstraps and get to work when there’s no hint of promise in the air?
7) You will not do it in isolation. Our purpose holds hands with the purposes of others. Great things are accomplished by leaders who realize a critical part of their purpose will always be to help others succeed at their “things.” It’s the law of synergy. And good leadership. And interdependence. Plus Jesus said so.
So, fave readers, where are you in your journey, and which truth resonates with your experience so far?
“…And that’s how you fight,” I concluded.
It all started when I began noticing my girl being bullied. She was anxious and fearful. Shaken. This is middle school…I thought – remembering the emotional, social, and hormonal trauma of bad hair, zits, and girl drama. It’s about that time, I guess. This is where life gets sticky.
Carson came to me at bedtime and asked if we could talk. Thankful for her desire to chat and sensing the cues of anxiety, I followed her and tucked her back in. She spilled her feelings, the ways she felt targeted, the destructive words, the role of social media, how it played out at school, the impact on her rest. I listened with a solid, reassuring face that did not betray my sadness or my troubled mama heart. I left her room, willing my tears to remain at bay.
I was heavy with fear.
I prayed as I crawled back under the covers and settled on my pillow, but sleep had hitched a ride on I-95 and wasn’t coming back any time soon. I tossed in my own marinade of disquiet until I finally moved to the couch to try something different. It dawned on me that I had to teach my girl to fight. And win. But how would I do that? There was no wisdom to glean from the one physical altercation I had been a party to; hair-pulling and colorful language wasn’t feeling like the course of action I should prescribe. It wouldn’t have worked anyway…because her fight wasn’t against another girl. Not even a boy. It was far more complex than that.
It was internal and it was spiritual. This may be where we depart on beliefs. I believe there are selfish desires inside us that are just part of being human AND there’s evil in the world around us; both attempt to keep us from being all we are intended to be. It is a very real battle that we all either cooperate with (reaping consequences we may fail to ascribe to anything other than misfortune) or we fight.
So at 1:30 a.m. I began to pray over and formulate a plan for teaching my girls to fight and win:
1) Truth. This type of internal blitzkrieg lobs lies inside the wall. Grenades that detonate the poisons of self-loathing, guilt, insecurity, self-destructive choices and behaviors. And the antidote to lies is Truth. Big T Truth that only comes from the Bible. In a time of such liquid veracity, WE ARE FAMISHED FOR ABSOLUTES – stakes we can drive in the ground and tie some weight to. So I began pecking out an email to my friend in the wee hours of the morning – explaining my weighty wakefulness and asking if she could take the verses I was attaching and make them graphically beautiful, matching the decor of my gals’ rooms. They needed an arsenal of their own, and I was about to put a round in their revolvers.
The girls loved decorating their living spaces with these cards, and now while they play, get dressed, work on homework, and over their heads while they sleep, they have Truth at their immediate disposal. They can pray Truth over the screech of a lie and fight back.
And if you’re that person who gets weirded out by people who post Bible verses all over their houses; I’ve been you. I feel you. But I have woken up in the mudhole of defeat of this kind too much in my life to not be aggressive for my children and myself. We like to win.
2) Honesty. This type of warfare murmurs, “If they only knew…knew what you thought…knew what you did when no one was looking…knew what you secretly desired, they would hate you. You are a worthless disappointment. You are a freak. You are crazy. Absolutely no one would love you if they only knew…” I have been arrogantly guilty of believing Jesus and I had no need for anyone else. I would openly boast, “I tell Jesus everything. He knows the whole picture and can give me perfect wisdom. Everybody else is just jacked-up too and have their own selfish motives and blind spots. What kind of advice can they give?” Did I mention my arrogance? All of those things are true of Jesus, but we also need flesh and blood and audible voices – used by Jesus – to fight the power of secret shame. Secrets breed isolation and isolation guarantees defeat. While it was difficult to hear my girl share her struggles, I gently asked probing questions to press her to voice what she deemed unspeakable. A spoken secret immediately loses a large measure of its power. Don’t vomit the depths of your soul to just anybody and certainly not on social media, but test the waters for trustworthiness in some of your relationships and find one or two people in your life that you can tell everything. I would have fought you on this one in the past, but it is absolutely a non-negotiable.
3) Community. This one is directly related to #2, but you have to have your people. Even beyond your one or two confidantes. We all need a din of voices that love us, that we can count on for sound wisdom, that we laugh with, that we cry with. We need to be intentional in surrounding ourselves with people we love and trust. I am thankful my girl has an open relationship with me and Chris; she has a best friend and a best cousin, a small group at church, a small group leader and several beautiful, godly young ladies who invest in her. She has a team she serves with at church and school friends. All different types of relationships that pour into her and create safe places to be real, to be challenged, to be loved. I, too – an introvert and loner – have sought out a dozen or so relationships to strengthen my fight. Nobody wins a war by fighting alone.
“So,” I outlined in a follow-up conversation,”you’re gonna…
…And that’s how you fight,” I concluded.
PS – If you are interested in ordering Scripture cards or have other ideas about how you might incorporate Truth into your space, shoot my beautiful friend a design request at LindsayHaselden.com. Girlfriend brings the magic!
Value. What a thing is worth.
My counselor assures me that normal people exist. Healthy people. He says there aren’t many and there are fewer by the day, but they do circulate among us. If you’re really out there, I’m sure you don’t read blogs of broken people, unless, of course, for kicks. And as an impetus for gratitude.
I guess the “normies” arrive at adulthood with their value firmly rooted in all the right things. The immovable things. The unchanging things. But my kind…we nail our value to the wind.
That’s all fabulous while the colorful pinwheels are spinning rhythmically, but it can cause quite the ride when the wind changes. When you’ve lost the approval of others. When the breeze of favor redirects. When you’ve lost your job. When your child rebels. When your love leaves. When your house is in foreclosure. When you gain forty pounds. When you feel called to ministry and no opportunity surfaces. When your colleague gets the promotion you sought. When your child fails. When your health tanks. When you feel ostracized. When the bottom falls out of the bucket hauling our value (AND IT WILL, I DOUBLE DOG PROMISE), we are left with one question – “Who the hell am I?”
Our falsehood has to disappoint us, so it can stop cheating us. It will only be at the collapse of our propped up pretties that we’ll discover our sole value – God’s child. And that makes our value constant. Immovable and unchanging. Regardless of weight gain, abandonment, sickness, accolades, promotions, rejections – you and I have never been more or less valuable than we are right this minute. Classic cars and diamond necklaces retain their value in a world of flux, fickleness, and bipolar markets, but the absolute of our value exceeds even those rarities.
Need further convincing? It’s Jesus. Willing to bear nails through his wrists and the tops of his feet, willing to suffocate to death, willing to have your jacked up errors and mine heaped on him. That’s what we’re worth. We’re that valuable. And the world is powerless to affect it.
My kind, hear me well; our battle isn’t in establishing our value. It’s believing it.
