Weight loss is trendiest in January – when resources swell.  Gyms offer membership specials; weight loss merchandise abounds, and information outlets broadcast tips and strategies for success without end. But where’s the forum for those of us with success in the other direction?

I know lots of people gain weight due to genetics, wacky thyroids, or other health issues out of their control, but some of us work hard for it the good ole’ fashioned way. We eat.

Well, for the two of you out there trying to swim against the current, allow me to share some tips from twenty plus years of yo-yo weight gain and loss. While I am in no way an expert (and have zero real deal health knowledge), I can share what has worked well for me. And may I first commend your inactivity; you are making a great start by sitting on your rump in front of the computer reading this blog.

1) Search out sodium.  Bring on the soy sauce and bacon and pretzels and peanuts and fries and salt, salt, salt.  So effective for creating that puffy face and those swollen hands we all covet. Retain water until you slosh when you walk, friend!

2) Keep cookie dough in your freezer at all times.  Break and bake – for emergencies!  Like every day during fourth grade homework when you want to stick a fork in your eyeball.

3) Sleep. A lot. Like way more than recommended because growing bodies need their rest.

4) Two words for you…Little. Debbie. You know a Swiss Cake Roll always got your back. And I’d lay down my life for a Christmas tree cake.

5) Stress and crappy life circumstances. We’ll not laud the benefits of hardship, but let’s give credit where credit is due. Emotional eating will get you there.

6) Drink your calories.  This is the land of sweet tea and Coke (though I’m a Diet Pepsi girl myself; what can of worms have I opened up now??)  We love a fru-fru coffee full of cream and flavor; venti salted caramel mocha with whip for the win.  Then maybe top off the day with a nightly beverage of the fermented sort – good for the heart AND packs a caloric punch.

7) Eat out at least once a day.  This tip increases girth while decreasing bank.  Double play action.

8) Submit yourself to lots of Instagram posts of decadent food.  This will actually stimulate your appetite for foods high in fat content and way overpriced. A side benefit here is the folks who post their monstrous desserts don’t generally post selfies…with good reason.

9) Download the Krispy Kreme app that alerts you when fresh doughnuts are available…HOT NOW! Let’s observe a reverential moment of silence…

10) Cheese. Need I say more?

Cautionary Encouragement: This is serious business here; proceed with solemnity.  In my preparation for this post, I found that “[r]esearch conducted by Vanderbilt University Medical Center revealed that laughing for 10 to 15 minutes burns between 10 and 40 calories” (livestrong.com). Don’t throw away all of your hard work with belly laughter while you’re working towards your goals. You’ve got this! You’re the real MVP!

Okay, mates, any other tips for success you can add to the mix?